I’m at the airport having a rather pointed conversation with the Alitalia desk manager about the upgrade to business class I just paid for my trip to Rome where I may or my not be going for a short film shoot. Although I paid my $950 to gain entry into a lay flat — I mean seriously, sometimes you

No business class lounge? Che palle!*

need a little luxury on a 12-hour flight — I was not going to get to check an second piece of luggage or get entry into the business class class lounge. Her reasoning was that I paid for the seat but not the “experience” of being in business class.

Che palle!* I semi-loudly told her. In all of the years I’ve flown business class, I was never without access to the business lounge to accompany my ticket. Sadly, I relented taking my boarding pass and reminding the desk manager that no good press could ever occur with the access a business class ticket entitles you worldwide.

Funny thing about his exchange was that I knew exactly three expressions in Italian (“Ciao” – hello, “Addio all’amore” – goodbye with love, and “Che palle!” – what balls!) and this one came in handy, although not very effective. Which got me thinking…

I made pizza from scratch…che figata!

What are the handful of Italian expressions that are an essential addition to any vocabulary, especially when you’re in Rome, Florence, or Milan? (Note to self: Don’t use any of these in Naples or Sicily. Why? Watch the Godfather II.). These are the expressions you’ll hear them all over the streets and if you understand them, it will make you much more fun to speak with.

* – Che palle! (keh PAL-leh). Translated word for word as, “What balls!” it’s the short and sweet equivalent to “What a pain in the ass!” Tack it onto the end of any annoying activity for added emphasis: “We have to climb all those stairs? Che palle!” or mumble it under your breath when someone causes you general agitation: “Put a scarf on or you’ll get pneumonia!” Che palle.

Boxed wine? Mi fa cagare!

Get a room…Che schifo!

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Oh my lovely giant Emmy statuette. I flirted with you all night and after all that you went home with a hundred or so other writers, producers, actors, and actresses. And this morning, there you are. Face down after a wild night of partying and rubbing elbows with the television elite. Most of us would take the long walk of shame home, heads bowed, shirts inside out, one sock or sticking missing. But here’s the thing…walk of shame is only shameful if you let it be. So here’s how to turn that walk of shame into a stride of pride…

1) Before you tuck yourself back in that box for 300 plus days of hibernation, remember how much fun the night before was. You wouldn’t have done it if you didn’t want to. And let’s be clear Ms. Emmy: YOU KNOW HOW TO PARTY!

2) Hold your head high, shoulders back, and strut your stuff. Yeah, you had fun. Yeah, the next door neighbor might already know that. But who cares? They know already. There’s nothing to be ashamed of because next year they will be fighting to take you home again.

3. Enjoy the morning breeze. If you’re in last night’s golden party dress and you’re holding your heels as you walk barefoot, don’t let it stop you from enjoying the refreshing morning breeze. Breathe it in, and let it clear away any potential hangover. Look around and enjoy the manufactured beauty of downtown LA and the LA Live complex. They’ll be talking about last night for the next year…….Hold your head high Ms. Emmy. You’re still my favorite lady.

So okay, you already know where I am…

A happy Game of Thrones cast as their 34 Emmy wins.

I’m at the Microsoft Theatre in Downtown LA taking in the 68th Emmy Awards and snacking on a PB&J sandwich presumably made by Jimmy Kimmel’s mom.

I was expecting more Beyoncé as was a disappointed John Oliver:

“I thought Beyoncé was gonna be here. I saw a seating chart and I was supposed to be sitting two rows behind her and I was going to stare at her head and experience happiness in a way I haven’t felt before … so this evening is a bit disappointing.”

Jerry Seinfeld spoke out—in true Seinfeld-esque wit—about the current state of television: “I don’t know why I’m here, I’m not on television. My show’s on the Internet, but now they consider that television.”

Meanwhile Bryan Cranston did his best to convince the TV bigwigs that he should take on the role of Donald Trump, “I think it’d be huuuuuuuge.”


James Corden shared his insider paparazzi tips to take the best photos “I try to suck in my cheekbones. If you ever see me and it looks like I’m in a mood, it’s not because I’m being moody.”

In the Emmy lobby, people moaned about the ‘dry’ Emmys. Every star under the sun was inside the Microsoft Theater, but the one thing all of that star power can’t get inside the room is booze. The Voice host Carson Daly walked out to the lobby, Emmy in hand, and yelled to the bartender, “You guys selling beer out here?” Daly turned, disappointed and walked away. Iwan Rheon (Ramsay Bolton on Game of Thrones) also lost his mind berating a would-be bartender—life immitates art. Sorry boys, those juice boxes are all you got.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ Emmy win breaks the record. By winning the Emmy—her sixth for lead actress in a comedy, and her eighth Emmy overall—the Veep star broke the record for most lead actress wins, breaking the three-way tie she held with Candice Bergen and Mary Tyler Moore.

Well, that’s all I overheard. After all I was there to flirt with the Emmy statuette and take pictures…so without further ado, here are the pics…

Tori Kelly with my favorite picture of the night.

There was a lot of kissing – part one with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Jimmy Kimmel’s mom must have had writer’s cramp after penning 7,000 letters.

Cranston as Trump?

Jimmy Fallon crashed Corden’s interview. Ham!

There was a lot of kissing- part two with Patton Oswald.

Priyanka Chopra knows how to work the photo pit.

Yes, Sarah Paulson did have her lady engraved with Marcia Clark’s name on it!

Tatiana Maslany all smiles with her Emmy!

There was a lot of kissing – part three with Key and Peele.

The Governors Ball transformeds the L.A. Convention Center with over 700 floral arrangements.

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