Google her. You won’t find her. She’s a mercenary and a makeshift spy. Her undercover work is known by all the wrong people and only a few of the right ones. If she shows up at your home in the shadows of the night, don’t count on sipping your morning coffee at dawn. As a matter of fact, you’ll probably won’t wake up at all. She’s Mrs. Smith without all of the Mr. Smith-Brad Pitt nonsense. She’s also one of the greatest advertising muses in the world. She is the inspiration for the Creme d’Or Ice Cream spot (featured below in the Ad of the Week/Month/Whatever below), GQ’s How to date series (below as well), and my Clio-winning spots from the nineties.

Gizelle is everything you want and she’ll even tell you how to date her!

She calls herself simple, yet one look at her petite, curvy frame let’s you know she is so much more. A lifetime of adventures trapped in confidential silence. Her deep eyes tell you even more. With a deep, throaty laugh she proclaimed, “Holy silencer! It’s 2015, I’m recently single and I’m in my forties. The next year is is going to be a little crazy. I may need to get a few more passports!”

With that, we dived into her 2015 Dating Rules for guys who want a shot with her and her equally wacky girlfriends:

1. We’re all crazy.

It’s cool because guys are more than a little crazy too. But some of us women, holy sh*t. I have stories for days and I’ve only been dating for a short time again. But ask any guy you know in any situation and they’ll all agree: either jump on for the ride or get out of the way.

2. It’s about the aura not about anything else.

We all know this one too. What do we say we want? No seriously, ask one, ask a 100, ask me! We say things like “he’s gotta be smart…and nice…and funny!” Oh, definitely funny. I love funny guys, and he must be be respectful. But he has to be direct because I don’t play games. Guess what? I just lied to you like seven times right there and I am not even the craziest one. At the end of it all, but nice, funny, rich, etc., but really if you doing have that aura and energy that connects with me you are cooked. We should just do a coffee and see if we match. You’ll know if we should be together before your latte is dips to 120 degrees.

3. If I don’t act interested, I really am.

I’ll give you my number, but I won’t answer until the third time you call. I say I’m available but my schedule is always booked when you try to make a plan. Timing is everything you know?! After all, I am undercover 90% of the time.

4. Have a pickup line that actually works. 

Every girl needs a little protection and some contacts that change colors.

The pickup line that works is, like, when guys are just nice and giving you compliments with confidence. You know, “Hi, your hair looks good today.” “Hi, I like those shoes.” But then they also might be gay, but—it doesn’t matter. Ha! Really though, I don’t like lines, so just be you. Because when you try to hard, you end up looking like a fool, and we both feel awkward, and now I have to tell you to walk away and I’m keeping the $14 cocktail that you just bought me.

5. I mean I love poetry…

…but be manly. Manliness is the best thing. Who wouldn’t want to date a manly guy? A lumberjack…or an astronaut…a crocodile wrangler…smell like gasoline—gasoline in the woods. Seriously though, take control of the date and the activity and what we are doing. Make me feel safe. Don’t worry, I am happy to pay for half. But whatever you do, don’t be that rude guy. You know that guy who’s rude to people for no particular reason. If you’re rude to anybody that’s beneath you or you treat people like they’re beneath you, that’s a deal-breaker. It shows a lot about somebody’s integrity, personality, how they are as a person by the way they treat other people. Don’t let any failures affect your self-worth because that will show through and you’ll get into a snowball of self-loathing.

How to Date…

It’s a little known fact the Gizelle was the muse behind the How to Date Series from GQ. From True Detective star Alexandra Daddario recommending Tinder to Game of Thrones queen Natalie Dormer talking about where to pick people up,
one-liners, and more, these vignettes give you everything you need to charm your lady.