Taco Bell Archives - Media Guy Struggles

Eating Alone Can Be Your Virtuoso Moment

The Media Guy — Thu, 17 Oct 2019 04:03:00 +0000

Okay, so where am I?

I’m at a local eatery working, of course, on finding the next big idea. The last few years have been fruitful on my pursuit of these grand plans for advertising and marketing grandeur. It never stops. But the quest for being great should never stop. Employers and businesses want that. They demand it actually and I am one to oblige them at every time.

My work should be a performance of sorts; at least in the advertising world. My ego tells me that I’m on the payroll is because the people paying my bills want to see me perform for the same reason you went to see Baryshnikov dance, Christian Bale act or the sun set over the white sands of Hawaii. It’s art in the form of advertising. It’s not work, it’s a recital. I can’t be just an ad man. I must be a virtuoso. Itzhak Perlman with a violin. Michelangeli at the piano. Gretzky with the puck.

I don’t play the ad game where everyone else does. I play it behind the scenes. I don’t bluster in meetings trying to charm people to go forward with my ideas. I work in the sanctity of my office, or offsite, sifting through muse and the magic of data. I come in for a landing every now and then, usually with a creative brief fresh from the design team. Sometimes I get the feeling my colleagues don’t know where I have gone until I plop the brief down in an email and shout “right over here.”

Yet I digress…

So why am I not in the office collaborating all “think tank-like” in a brainstorming session, you ask? Eating alone has become a crucial aspect of modern living. The commuter, the businessperson, the student—everyone is doing it these days and according to the Great Britain’s Wellbeing Index nearly a third of adults in major metropolitan cities are eating alone “most or all of the time.” I remember in high school doing things solo was a red flag that you were an irreversible loner, or worse, a Unibomber type. Things are different now, as we’ve become less embarrassed about solo dining habits. Bookings websites report that reservations for one have soared, home delivery of meals is a cottage industry, while communal and cafeteria tables are increasingly popular in restaurants everywhere.

Unaccompanied dietary habits are steering us into unexplored terrain. Group dining has long been a universal human ceremony. Not only is it sensible (more hands make lighter work) but meals have, customarily been used to meet our essential need to connect with others. The multi-generational family meals that were often lore of television ads are going the way of dial-up modems. Take a look at Peggy’s pitch about “connecting” for their advertising pitch.

The concept of communal dining existed from the 1960s until present day, but despite the fact that the default number that cookbook recipes serve is still four or six, changes are afoot. Most of us are time-poor and overworked (at
least in our own mind). Eating alone, at least for me, has turned into a
brilliant space to image campaigns. As I wrote earlier in the year, (and
not just Taco Bell) best Big Ideas can be found in ~~the smooth future heartburn of a Taco Bell quesadilla with fire sauce~~ food.

–>

The trend for eating alone has contributed to the popularity of hummus and guacamole dips for less polished lone cooks who aren’t seasoned enough to whip up 15-minute meals out of those new bestsellers or get expensive Postmates or DoorDash. The boom in dips can be ascribed to people eating on their own because they are so simple to consume if you’re concurrently in a hurry and eating alone. It’s a combination of getting into a habit of thinking it’s not worth cooking for yourself mixed with comfort.

The splendor of independent dining is that you are free to savor your guilty pleasure without judgment from others. Mealtimes now are an ideal way to have quality time to yourself. It becomes a blurred border between work and pleasure and that makes work seem less like, “work.”

Another thing that may entice you to dine alone is your waistline. Eating with other actually makes you eat more and the bigger your group, the more you eat. Take a dinner for two—you’ll eat approximately one-third more than you would alone. A party of four? Plan to increase your consumption as much as 75%, because that’s what happens on average.

Trust me and the forty plus pounds I’ve left behind this year while eating alone. Try it and you make just discover the Big Ideas you’ve left on the communal dining table.

The post Eating Alone Can Be Your Virtuoso Moment appeared first on Media Guy Struggles.

The Tortillapocalypse is No Way to Treat a Media Guy

The Media Guy — Fri, 05 Jul 2019 20:37:00 +0000

Okay, so where am I?

I’m dealing with Tace Bell’s “Tortillapocalypse” and when you’re writing late night, what could be worse than not having warm flour tortillas to ease your late night needs to push through your writing block?

Taco Bell is facing a tortilla shortage and it might be time to panic https://t.co/fBFCNEISNc pic.twitter.com/YXkibP1i42

— New York Post (@nypost) July 3, 2019

At first I thought I was an advertising ploy, but Taco Bell big wigs say this will impact profits and, I mean, Taco Bello never lies, amirite?

This Fourth of July was a welcome respite watching fireworks at Dodgers Stadium, which happens to be a longstanding Lloyd family tradition Another tradition is fighting the thousands of bad drivers trying to exit en masse from the Dodger Stadium parking lot while traffic control and whomever is helping them watch the anarchy in their lime green neon vests while we kill the environment idling on the asphalt trying to claim every inch of Elysian Park real estate. The entire process to exit was an excruciating one mile, 48-minute debacle.

The whole experienced harshed my mellow and put me into a funk as I mentally dived deeper into the spiral of writer’s block that the postgame Independence Day fireworks was supposed to eradicate.

So there I was at two a.m. trying to get the words on the page and wound up going Jack Torrance once again trying to get words on a page and yet going insane with mindless, hypnotic gibberish on the page. Surely this type of work won’t get me more Telly Awards (the latest arrival pictured here) to soothe my fragile ego that shiny trophies seem to embolden in one fell swoop at an awards ceremony. There is nothing better than flubbing your way through a speech with a gold or silver trophy in your hand and Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger” song soundtracking your night. Nonetheless, my work resembled something like this:

I’m firmly convinced that if I wasn’t in the business of putting words on paper that eventually turn into moving images on screen that I would be twenty pounds lighter which would be a welcome sight to my cardiologist, but I do so one of my challenges is crafting that Big Idea consistently. It’s a burden I have embraced, but when the words fail, there’s only one solution: Make a Run for the Border. That border is the all night drive thru at Taco Bell. Here’s a classic TV spot from 1988.

I actually learned the secret of the Taco Bell Inspiration hour from an old colleague from the New York agency days. Scott Greene (* – names chanced to protect the guilty) was an incredible copywriter who got caught up in office politics after taking the private elevator of an XYZ Advertising Agency’s big cheese one late night and the boss had to wait an extra six minutes for his ride and fired Scott on the spot. In the hopes to relieve his elevator PTSD one late night after his firing, he called me and asked me to meet him at a Midtown Taco Bell to talk him down from an impending bender.

So I arrived in the middle of the night and there was Scott in his smokers jacket over pajamas and slippers looking every bit of insane as it sounds. We sat down and ordered from their value menu/dollar menu or whatever it was called racking up thirty-six dollars of meat and cheese filled tortillas and Mountain Dew to keep him on the sobriety wagon.

He said he didn’t want to become part of the “Wasteland of Forgotten Men” where old copywriters toil in writing coupons and obituaries late night at some newspaper with their graveyard crew. He told me all of the best Big Ideas can be found in the smooth future heartburn of a Taco Bell quesadilla with fire sauce. He swore by Taco Bell calling it the best Mexican food he ever ate. Being an Angeleno, aka the actual home of the best tacos int he world, I knew factually there is no such thing as “the best tacos in Manhattan.” There are only two kinds of tacos in that island: adequate, and whatever passes as a little better than adequate. He seemed to agree with me, but he pointed out that was true, unless you’re talking Taco Bell.

He then went on a rant/soliloquy detailing how fast food is unhealthy, how it preys on the poor by offering scientifically-engineered food products that are devoid of nutritional value, yet extremely high on emotional satisfaction. It was the emotional satisfaction that spurred Big Ideas he told me. All of the menu offerings at Taco Bell are extremely tasty, and best of all, cheap. Why spend fiver on groceries, he argued. What do you get for a fiver at the supermarket? A candy bar, a few oranges and a drink? Maybe? At Taco Bell, you can get a meal and hangout with the stoners who are wasting away.

“Taco Bell tacos are crunchy, crispy, meaty banana boats of spicy chemical goodness with the the Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos taco shell being the THE most important invention of this century,” he boasted. “But the once you sink your mouth into any of the flour tortilla creation, there’s an award waiting to be crafted and earned on the other side. These are must haves!”

He continued as to why Taco Bell delivers brilliance to the “Woke,” “Parents lie to their children about the cruelties of the world, and children grow up to return the favor to their parents. None of these things were true. Parents lie to their children about the cruelties of the world, and children grow up to return the favor to their parents. There are lies everywhere, except Taco Bell. Taco Bell doesn’t care about the fact they deliver heart attacks in a shell. All they want is to deliver you the ultimate food porn emotional satisfaction so you can get on with other satisfactions.

Since they share the same owner, in Manhattan, the Taco Bells and KFCs often share the same storefront. That equals a single “restaurant” that combines two famous brands into one mighty, delicious Frankenstein’s monster of empty calories, the Holy Grail of Mexicano and Souther USA blended into some sort of B-movie two-headed snack shack.

And just like that over a constant hum of munching seven-layer burritos—yeah, that not six, not five, but seven unbelievable layers of blended emotional satisfaction—we sketched out a new resume of for Scott that netting him a directors job that guaranteed him access to private executive level elevators. That was also the genesis of my Big Idea hunting that netting me dozens of shiny gold statues.

So today when I drove to my Taco Bell (along the same route that was detailed in Tom Petty’s famous “Free Falling” song about the very Valley I’ve called home since 1979) and they announced they were out of tortillas I was speechless. I was flummoxed to the point I didn’t know what to order and as the cars started beeping in a strange karmic payback for all of the ear damage I inflicted on the Dodger Stadium crew I ordered a mountain of food I wasn’t prepared for. I just sat in my car slackjawed wondering why the Tortillapocalypse choose to infect my neighborhood.

But you know what? After $14 of emotional satisfaction and a six a.m. five-mile walk to burn off the calories, the words flowed the second I sat down after a warm shower. By 10 a.m., the polished product was complete and emailed to the client. By one p.m., it was approved.

Taco Bell saves the day again…with or without tortillas.

*-Names are changed to protect the guilty.

——

Someone in your life, somebody has tried to rule you and told you that you would fail without them. Be inspired and conquer:

The post The Tortillapocalypse is No Way to Treat a Media Guy appeared first on Media Guy Struggles.

The Media Guy Grabs His Sack

The Media Guy — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 04:02:00 +0000

The Media Guy grabs his sack of mail…Well, I resisted and resisted; but no longer. The mailbox is full and
alas, people need answers. So, without fanfare, here are genuine emails from my
irreverent readers.

Q: My wife and I spent the last three weeks trying to figure out which
airline you flew that would only have one passenger in business class and not
upgrade the rest of economy so the meals wouldn’t go to waste. I observed that Daniella,
dressed in that green scarf, looked like a career runway model that could still
bring the heat. After much discussion, we created a game: Most Probable
Professions for Flight Girl Daniella if She Hadn’t Become a Flight Attendant.
After discussing some possibilities (most likely: Heather Locklear’s
advertising executive nemesis in the third reboot of Melrose Place), we decided
on “First Grade Teacher.” Our minds went wild at the thought of FG
Daniella bitching and moaning about not getting paid for parent conferences
before 8:00 A.M. because she doesn’t get paid before the first bell and her
classroom doors are still open, then berating the class about the time it takes
her to pour milk at snack time. But dear God, FG Daniella gets the ultimate
pass because as my wife, the librarian, said “I bet she’s up for kissing me.”

—Jay M., Las Vegas, NV

Adam Ant’s Librarian

MG: Do you have any idea how many sleepless nights that Jay M. from Sin
City caused me? Too many, that’s how many. Why? Because I just spent the last three
days imagining the Adam Ant librarian aka Jay’s wife and Daniella locking lips
in business class. Then, I imagined her and Heather Locklear in a
typical Melrose catfight. However you slice it, I’m bringing this to my agent
next week for script development.

Q: I really can’t explain why J.C. Penney decided to go with Ron Johnson
as their CEO, robbing America of the almighty orgasmic pleasures of the Super
Sunday Sales. It’s almost as if he were a plant from Penney’s competitors
designed to bring down the retail giant. Half the fun of shopping there was
rolling out with 22 coupons and mixing and matching them just to “save” $31
dollars. How did he go this long without being on Retail Magazine’s most hated
list? They need to bring back the coupons and the sales. This must be on your
to-do list in your first month as the Ambassador of Sanity for J.C. Penney’s
corporate headquarters.

—Salma Q., Torrance, CA

MG: Although Penney’s hasn’t bothered to pick up the phone yet, I think
you hit on something because Corporate Ambassador of Sanity sounds like a
fantastic consulting road show. I could cruise from city to city, company to
company listening to their brilliant marketing and media ideas for 2013 and
2014. Have you seen some of the bright ideas that flew past us during the last
twelve months? The London Olympic Games logo? Quiznos’ disfigured, singing
rodents campaign? Sony’s synergy campaign? Sprint featuring CEO Dan Hesse in
their TV ads? All of these companies need an Ambassador of Sanity. Yeah, I’m
getting excited already.

Q: I’m wondering how Chris Brown keeps getting chance after chance with
a suddenly forgiving media who is dying to give him a pass for beating on
Rihanna and women in general with his insane actions. Is it because she’s a
party animal that can’t seem to get out of her own way socially or is there
really something redeeming?

—Samantha J., Kansas City, MO

MG: First and foremost, everyone simply loves a train wreck. Chris
Brown certainly qualifies for that. He also certainly meets rule #2 in the
Media Guy Mandates for a Great Story: HARM. Harm includes violence, damage,
dying, scandals and blood/guts. Perhaps the real reason rests in the Fear
Factor rule whereby the media is afraid a Chris-Brown-type will show up at
their front door to pick up one of their daughters for a nice evening on the
town. This is where you already want to know what a maniac-in-sheep’s-clothing
looks like while he’s promising to get her home well before curfew. Experience
means everything!

Q: There’s no more underestimated story line in 2013 than
hypersensitivity. Coca-Cola is racist. Ikea is has (trans)gender issues. Just a
little while back we were patting ourselves on the back about racial and gender
equality and everyone getting along. Everyone thought political incorrectness
was washed up, but all of the sudden it made a comeback and the media has been
all over it. Are we desperate for stories or should we be worried?

—Jordan Smith, Kansas City

MG: Holy mackerel, I didn’t realize how many groups were in an uproar
about the media game already in 2013. The IKEA ad features a Thai man and his
girlfriend shopping. But when she sees pillows sale and get excited, her
decidedly female voice goes soprano on us sending her shocked boyfriend off
running. The ad has riled a Thai transgender group, who calls the ad
“negative and stereotypical” and sprinkled in “a gross violation
of human rights” for good measure. A Thai transgender group seems pretty
niche in the grand scheme of things but then again, I missed sensitivity
training for this particular segment of the population which mosts likely
totals 0.0000001% of the world’s population.

The new Coca-Cola Super Bowl ad has angered Arab-Americans because it
features an Arab leading a camel caravan through the desert.

Warren David, president of the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination
Committee, says “Why is it that Arabs are always shown as either oil-rich
sheiks, terrorists or belly dancers?” Coke says the ad characters are a
“nod to movies of the past.”

My take?

I’ve worked with David in the past and
he is right, because the shepherds leading the caravans look something like this:

True story: I took these pictures in Oman a few years back. The shepherd
in the truck was angrier than those lecturing Coca-Cola about their perceived racism. Why? Because I drove in
between his line of camels and messed up their forward progression. Later, we
burned some Frankincense at the Salalah Hilton and all was better. Perhaps Coke should call me to be the shepherd actor next time.

So what’s the lesson to be learned? Better focus test your commercial
to the groups you are showcasing in your ads because you want their stamp of
approval before the fit hits the shan. Then again, perhaps all of the extra
publicity Coke and IKEA are getting from these spots is worth the hassle to
offend underserved ethnic and gender groups. All I know if that this meets rule
#3 in the Media Guy Mandates for a Great Story: CONTROVERSY. Where there’s
controversy, there’s a reporter looking to file a last minute news story. When
you can dream up a controversy, you can virtually guarantee some juicy buzz in
the media.

Twinkies: Yippie-keye-ay!

Q: Not since Reginald VelJohnson rattled off Twinkies’ to John McClane in
Die Hard [sugar-enriched flour, partially hydrogenated vegetable
oil…polysorbate 60… and yellow dye number five] have I longed for a late
night tastes of the golden crème-filled cakes. Will they ever grace the shelves
at Winn-Dixie again?

—Emily-Mae L., Auburn, AL

Q: Sometimes I wake up in a cold
sweat with Ghostbusters’ Dr. Egon Spengler explaining the enormity of the threat facing
New York: “Let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of
psycho-kinetic energy in the New York area; according to this morning’s sample,
it would be a Twinkie 35 feet long weighing approximately 600 pounds”…
What would this analogy be without the mighty Twinkie? Sign my petition to
bring them back.

—Robert H., Anaheim, CA

How about that 600 pounder?

Q: I feel like Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, searching for the last
Twinkie on Earth. I guess they did have an expiration date. Help!

—Brenda J., Istanbul, Turkey

MG: Never fear, Hostess has let the robber barons into their bakery nest.
Hostess has picked a joint offer from two investment firms — Metropoulos &
Co. and Apollo Global Management LLC — as the lead bid to bring back the
Twinkies and its other snack cakes in a $410 million bid. According to MSN
Money, Twinkies pulled in about $76.2 million, Hostess Donuts brought in $384.6
million and CupCakes brought in $138.1 million during Hostess’s final year.
That’s a lot of calories. Speaking of which…

Q: Nice feature on Ray Lewis right before my Ravens made Tom Brady look
like a deer in the headlights a couple of Sundays ago. Are you taking the Ravens
in the Super Bowl?

—Joe J., Las Vegas

Q: I suppose you’ll be in Florida this Sunday covering the Super Bowl,
right braggard?

—Phillip O., Cleveland, OH

Q: No blogs on the 2013 Oscars, eh? Did they ban you for your
debauchery at the after parties?

—Sandra, K.., Toronto

MG: I am betting on Ray, but not the Ravens on Sunday. There’s a Las
Vegas proposition bet where you pick who has more: Ray Lewis tackles or Kobe
Bryant assists on Super Bowl Sunday. I’m going with Lewis tackles, but the
49ers prevailing 34-19. As far as going to the Super Bowl, I am a no show. I
didn’t even apply for credentials. I’ll be at home analyzing the new ads. I am
unsure whether to tweet about them (Media Guy Twitter handle = @marketingvip)
in real time though. One thing I hope to never miss is the Oscars. I’ll be
there on the red carpet for the second year in a row and blog about it then.
Hopefully, I’ll be stealth enough to bypass security and have a talk with
Angelina Jolie about this screenplay I wrote that is perfect for her (hint,
hint Ms. Jolie).

Q: I read somewhere that sex lasts only about five minutes on average
and burns only 20 calories. Why doesn’t that get more press?

—Dianne R., Toluca Lake, CA

MG: Reminds me of being seventeen all over again. Did your survey
mention the age parameters? The regions of the country or world the data was
pulled from? Male vs. Females? These are important factors in the potential
decline of sexuality in the States. I did find a reference to a 1984 survey with similar stats. I’m hoping things have improved for the women of the world. Which
reminds me that we don’t cover sex enough in The Media Guy Struggles. Why? I’m
not sure since SEX meets rule #6 in the Media Guy Mandates for a Great Story.
Note to self: more sex. (And who can argue with that?)

Q: Did the CEO of Taco Bell call you yet? Is that why their strategy is
giving free churros? Maybe you should call him.

—Nala Z., Ft. Myers, FL

MG: Who can argue with the new spots? The ad made its debut on YouTube a
few days ago and has over 200,000 views with the January 18^th teaser
being watched 500,000 plus times. CEO Greg Creed seemed to be riding high with Cantina
Bell, the new Taco Bell “Live Mas” tagline and the Spanish version of “We Are
Young”. That being said, I still think Mr. Creed should ring my phone.

Q: Beyoncé lip synced? Good or bad for the brand?

—Simon S., Winston-Salem, NC

MG: Nothing can derail the Mrs. Jay-Z train. She’s unstoppable and
there is no reason this should have been a continuing story because besides
having the kind of generational beauty that most of us can only wish for, there
is one thing she can do without question and that’s sing circles around anyone.
Whitney lip synced at the Super Bowl and her rendition hit #1 on the charts
soon thereafter. Beyoncé is much bigger that Whitney ever was.

Q: What are you going to do with “The Voice” now that Christina
Aguilera has been replaced with Shakira?

—Jon M., Oklahoma City, OK

MG: I deleted my Season Pass on The Dish.

Q: Do you think Christina Aguilera caused Hillary Clinton to pass out?

—Josephine P., Kuala Lampur

MG: Very much a possibility.

Q: Any truth that our favorite diva Miss Aguilera stepped aside to
spend time with the Media Guy?

—Stephanie C., Manchester, England

MG: Uh, no comment.

Q: There were two typos when you initially posted your last column. Who’s
proofing your columns.

—Nadia W., Tucson, AZ

MG: Sorry, Monica is on vacation.

Q: You nailed it in your Valentine’s Day column, it’s ruining the
office. Any more tips to help out here?

—Marc W., Wichita, KS

MG: I reached back to Ernest Quansah who told me that the brain’s
feel-good “love” chemical – oxytocine – usually increases when women are
presented with novel activities, beyond those established and preferred
routines. He says to abandon old traditions and do something to sweep her off
her feet with these five steps:

Before the big day, drive her wild with anticipation by telling her
that you have the most amazing surprise for her. This promise will keep her
guessing and make her think about your evening.
Know her favorite flowers. If you don’t, don’t panic. You can find
out by making a comment, like “I’ve noticed plants blooming early this year …”
and steer the conversation from there. In a beautiful vase, arrange an exotic
bouquet and hide it somewhere in your home on the special day. She’ll like that
you created the presentation.
Go to your local chocolate shop and select her favorite kinds of
chocolate. Have it boxed and nicely wrapped to prevent her from knowing what it
is when you present the chocolates to her.
Create a dish and name it after her. For example, if her name is
Anne, you might call the dish “Tournedos Princess Anne.” This step is the most
important. I can assure you that after having spent time in some top-notch
restaurants, food that is named after a person is a special honor. We all know
how women love it when their men do the cooking. What I do is cut and precook
the vegetables, and I even make the sauce beforehand to make sure I get it as
perfect as I can. Leave everything in the fridge. Then, on Valentine’s Day, I
set the table before I start the cooking part. On both plates, place a fresh
RED ROSE. The single rose is just part of making her think that that is all the
flowers she will be getting (but we know differently). When she gets home, make
sure to get her to promise you that she’ll stay out of the kitchen. Tell her
not to spoil the surprise!
When everything is ready, plate the food, cover it and take it to
the dining table, and then ask her to come and sit. Before you uncover the lid,
have her close her eyes. Retrieve the hidden bouquet, place the flowers on the
table, and ask her to open her eyes. Pay attention to how she responds. Tell
her what you’ve named the dish. But that’s not all – after the meal, take her
by the hand, walk her to the living room and sit her down. Bring out the boxed
chocolate, go on one knee and tell her, “This is for you,” or, “You make me
feel whole,” or, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world and I love
you.”

Remember, you don’t have to know why this works…only that it does
work.

Q: The Bachelor – how do you see Sean navigating the insane women he
has on his hands?

—Kimberly G., Dallas

MG: There are some crazies this season. Poor Sean. I promise a separate
column next week with a recap and my vision to how it all plays out.

Q: I think we all know your love of Angelina Jolie – of course in a
non-stalker, yet borderline stalkerish way – but seriously, do you need help
distracting Brad Pitt while you try to talk her up at the Oscars? My bestie is
a dead ringer for Jennifer Aniston and has a similar crush on Mr. Moneyball.
Any affinity to forming a partnership to get what you both want? You can email
me at any time.

—Brooke Y., West Hollywood, CA

MG: Yes Virginia…these are the reader friends of the Media Guy Struggles.

The post The Media Guy Grabs His Sack appeared first on Media Guy Struggles.

An Open Letter to Taco Bell

The Media Guy — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 20:13:00 +0000

An open letter to Greg Creed, Chief Executive Officer and President of Taco Bell:

What the hell happened to you on your way to the Pantheon of Advertising? I just can’t keep quiet anymore. Their latest spots practically made me throw up in my mouth. Have you seen the latest in a long string of commercial disasters?

Their latest shows a well-dressed dude in a vest, looking like kind of a G and he’s out at a nice dinner at an upper end steakhouse. He’s with another couple, two attractive women and some dudes. This guy is sitting there with his 1990’s vest… I just can’t get over the stylist who decided a vest was just the ticket for wardrobe here. Yet I digress.

Anyway, he’s looking at a big, beautiful leather menu that no doubt has some big, beautiful cuts of beef that we all enjoy as big, beautiful Americans and he shakes his head, almost saying “screw this…” Then what does he do? He gets out of the booth and goes to Taco Bell and gets steak nachos.

I mean really? He’s going to close that menu and dismiss the company he’s with, step out with his 1993 and order steak nachos? Even the 2:00 A.M. potheads are insulted with this one!

So what are you trying to sell Taco Bell? Rudeness? That your steak nachos are the equivalent substitute for a nice steakhouse? This has to rank as one of the worst commercials ever. How is Taco Bell going to make money with this ad? After thirty very long seconds witnessing this debacle of advertising, two words popped into my mind: Sista, PLEASE!

Taco Bell has really jumped the shark lately with their advertising campaigns. From the Lamar Odom / Charles Barkley commercial to this new guy, it’s been horrific. Remember that clueless guy they had a while back? The one who thought he had the inside track on the super inexpensive 7-layer burrito? “Hey…uh, is Janine working tonight? Can I talk to her?” How about that indie rock kid in the Volvo station wagon? The one who drive nine hundred miles for a Doritos taco? Can you imagine the ad execs brainstorming this out?:

Taco Bell Ad Exec 1: Hey, if we can get the message across that this taco is so good that it’s worth driving 900 miles…

Taco Bell Ad Exec 2: …Oh my! That’s brilliant!

Taco Bell Ad Exec 1 and Ad Exec 2 (in unison): Everyone will make a run for the border!

What Happened To You Taco Bell? You used to have something! Remember when Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, used to demand, “Yo quiero Taco Bell!”? Or when the big bell bonged imploring you to “Run for the Border”? Now those were Pantheon-worthy commercials.

Taco Bell, sigh. Was it lightning in a bottle? Were you a two hit wonder? How did you lose your way?

Easily, they have the worst commercials for any fast food restaurants on the planet. Yeah, yeah, you’re going to hit me with the Carl’s Jr. “…if it doesn’t get all over your face…” spots, but I have no issue there. It speaks to their audience who want big, messy burgers and they are quite comical and sexy. Yet I digress again.

Mr. Creed, please give The Media Guy a call. I sketched out five ad concepts on the back of a napkin that I’d like to share with you. And I didn’t need to wear my vest to think outside the bun.

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