If you read Friday’s column you know I am home in Los Angeles. But, honestly, Europe still has a hold of me. I’m still stuck (mentally) at the New Year’s Eve Silvester Gala at Hofburg Palace (you know, the former imperial palace in the centre of Vienna that emperors used for their accommodations).

But it’s awards season and the opportunity to walk the red carpet and snap off images for Fox and a few others is much too alluring. The Oscars are February 28th and I have already been eyeballing the pilates VHS tape so I look good in a tux this year. A simple plea though, pray for me! Why? Because the trolls that make it to the red carpet with the arms extended like some fleshy selfie stick are nothing short of disgusting, two-faced demon looking to fill up their Instagram and Twitter accounts. I’m fully stocked with Purell Hand Sanitizer to exorcise any airborne viruses these trolls spread around.

Jane Fonda’s “Not Amused” Face

The real winners of the Golden Globes were Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum, because they got hit with a bolt of “not impressed” shooting out of Jane Fonda’s eyes. I’d pay big bucks to get Jane Fonda to shank me with her eyes while looking like her head is breaking out of a prison of bedazzled coffee filters. She’s been practicing that look since she threw those MIAs under the bus in the Vietnam War and never looked back. For shame, Jane.

In a bit that was sponsored by their weed shop of choice, Jonah Hill pretended to be the bear from The Revenant while he and Channing Tatum presented the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. Jane Fonda was one of the nominees and as her man Richard Perry’s face went full WTF, she silently judged those buffoons!

Don’t let the dress fool you. Just because she’s covered in clown collars doesn’t mean that she’s here for Jonah and Channing’s Barnum and Bailey antics. Jane Fonda did not put on that mockery of a dress just so the stars of 22 Jump Street could make a complete sham out of her category! This is serious business. Great work guys!

Seriously! Lady Gaga Wins? 

I didn’t know that Lady Gaga was married to a billionaire Israeli businessman?! And may a lightning bolt from heaven strike me down for comparing Lady Gaga to the talented angel that is Pia Zadora.

The Golden Globe winners were all over the place, so of course they continued with that theme by giving her an award for the accent acrobats and music video acting she did in American Horror Story: Hotel. While looking like she was doing third-rate Breathless Mahoney cosplay, Lady Gaga actually beat Felicity Huffman and Kirsten Dunst in the category of Best Performance by an Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries. And just like that, the Golden Globes won the award for Best Comedy Show of the Year!

Before Lady Gaga’s acceptance speech where she laid it on so thick that I’m still wiping the thickness out of my eyes and ears (that sounds sexy but it’s not), she made her way to the stage and bumped into Leonardo Dicaprio who let out a scared giggle:

Katy’s Golden Globes

I hear Katy Perry say, “I got my wig out and my globes!”

According to pretty much EVERYONE (but specifically Vanity Fair, UsWeekly, E!, and People), Katy Perry – the Golden Globes presenter that made the majority of viewers turn to the person sitting beside them and whisper “Wait, why is she here?“, and Orlando Bloom – the Golden Globes presenter who I initially thought was a cleaned-up Charlie Sheen, might be a thing that is happening.

A whole bunch of blabbermouths who attended Harvey Weinstein’s afterparty squealed on Katy and Orlando by claiming they spent a good chunk of the night together doing the following: whispering, flirting, being flirty, leaning in close, getting super cozy, “sharing a vape pen“, and dancing together. One source added that Orlando would “touch the small of her back” when talking to her. The small of her back? Calm down, you two! It’s Harvey Weinstein’s Golden Globes afterparty, not the orgy scene from Caligula.

Obviously, Katy and Orlando’s G-rated middle school dance antics could be nothing more than two drunk n’ horny famous types who accidentally brushed up against each other on the way to the bar and were like “Oooh, let’s do that again, but on purpose.” Or maybe hooking up with some random dick like Orlando was Katy checking off Step 4 in her 12-Step recovery program.

That’s probably it.

RICKY and HIS JOKES

From the Hollywood Reporter… “Days after hosting the Golden Globes and still defending some of the racy jokes he did there, comedian Ricky Gervias was cracking on the Oscars.

The 2016 Academy Awards nominations were released Thursday morning and not a single nonwhite actor was given the nod in an acting category. This is the second year in a row with that result. Some, such a Al Sharpton, shared their anger over the snub. Gervais shared humor.”

Here are some of the intrepid hosts best shots on the live telecast:

On the audience and Sean Penn: “Shut up you disgusting, pill-popping sexual deviant scum. I want to do this monologue and go into hiding. Not even Sean Penn will stop me. Snitch!”

On Caitlyn Jenner: “What a year she’s had. She’s become a role model for trans people everywhere, showing great bravery and destroying stereotypes. She didn’t do a lot for women drivers. You can’t have everything, can you, not at the same time.”

On gender pay gap disparity: “Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood. She received overwhelming support from people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying, ‘How the hell can a 25-year-old live on $52 million?!’”

“Of course woman should be paid the same as men for doing the same job. And I’d like to say now, I’m being paid exactly the same as [what Tina Fey and Amy Poehler] did last year. No I know there were two of them, but it’s not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? That’s their stupid fault. It’s funny because it’s true.”

“All-female remakes are the big thing. There’s a female remake of Ghostbusters. There’s going to be a female remake of Oceans 11. And this is brilliant for the studios because they get guaranteed box office results and they don’t have to spend too much money on the cast.”

On Spotlight: “The excellent Spotlight has been nominated. Yeah. The Catholic Church are furious about the film as it exposes that 5 percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it ‘the best date movie ever.”’

On his three personal Golden Globes: “I won three Golden Globes myself … one I keep by the bed to — it doesn’t matter why, it’s mine. I won it fair and square. It’s just the right shape and size, it’s nothing… yeah. To be clear: That was a joke about me shoving Golden Globes that I’ve won up my a**.”

Introducing Matt Damon: “It’s the star of the hilarious comedy The Martian. He is also the only person that Ben Affleck hasn’t been unfaithful to.”

Introducing Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer: “Joy and Trainwreck. No not the name of Charlie Sheen’s two favorite hookers, the films of our next two presenters. They are best friends by the way and if you forget they said they’d tweet you. It’s like they’ve never had a friend before, please welcome Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence.”

Introducing Eva Longoria and America Ferrera: “Eva Longoria and America Ferrera aren’t just beautiful, talented actresses they’re also two people who your future president, Donald Trump, can’t wait to deport.”

Introducing Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong: “When Brad and Angelina see these next to adorable little presenters, they’re going to want to adopt them. Please welcome Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong.’

Introducing Mel Gibson: “I’d rather have a drink with him in his hotel room tonight than with Bill Cosby.”

Introducing Eddie Redmayne: “Our next presenter is an actress who is both beautiful and talented. Born in England she came to American and has taken Hollywood by storm. Please welcome the nominated star of The Danish Girl, it’s a dude, Eddie Redmayne.”

At the end of the gala: “Thank you, I’m afraid that’s it. We’re out of time. From myself and Mel Gibson, shalom.”

Backstage at the Globes.

Worth every minute of the wait.

Sniffer dogs were seen checking out the red carpet before the stars arrived.

Host Ricky Gervais arrived early.

Kirsten Dunst (with some guy) hanging out on the red carpet. They are a lovely pair.

Wiz Khalifa thought he was on the walk of shame and not the red carpet it seemed.

Jurassic World star Dallas Bryce Howard wowed on the red carpet

Olivia Wilde was loving life!

Take flight with Taraji P. Henson.

Newly engaged Eva Longoria looking right at ya!…

…and she commanded the red carpet.

Love the wig…where are your sharks?!

Katy realizing she had to go in without me! Gotta love the Golden Globes … Ricky, get me a drink, please.

Ah, the future ex-wife … hello Jen!

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Stallone with the win! Absolutely!

Eva Green..even more captivating in black and white.

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