Ray Lewis Archives - Media Guy Struggles

The Media Guy Grabs His Sack

The Media Guy — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 04:02:00 +0000

The Media Guy grabs his sack of mail…Well, I resisted and resisted; but no longer. The mailbox is full and
alas, people need answers. So, without fanfare, here are genuine emails from my
irreverent readers.

Q: My wife and I spent the last three weeks trying to figure out which
airline you flew that would only have one passenger in business class and not
upgrade the rest of economy so the meals wouldn’t go to waste. I observed that Daniella,
dressed in that green scarf, looked like a career runway model that could still
bring the heat. After much discussion, we created a game: Most Probable
Professions for Flight Girl Daniella if She Hadn’t Become a Flight Attendant.
After discussing some possibilities (most likely: Heather Locklear’s
advertising executive nemesis in the third reboot of Melrose Place), we decided
on “First Grade Teacher.” Our minds went wild at the thought of FG
Daniella bitching and moaning about not getting paid for parent conferences
before 8:00 A.M. because she doesn’t get paid before the first bell and her
classroom doors are still open, then berating the class about the time it takes
her to pour milk at snack time. But dear God, FG Daniella gets the ultimate
pass because as my wife, the librarian, said “I bet she’s up for kissing me.”

—Jay M., Las Vegas, NV

Adam Ant’s Librarian

MG: Do you have any idea how many sleepless nights that Jay M. from Sin
City caused me? Too many, that’s how many. Why? Because I just spent the last three
days imagining the Adam Ant librarian aka Jay’s wife and Daniella locking lips
in business class. Then, I imagined her and Heather Locklear in a
typical Melrose catfight. However you slice it, I’m bringing this to my agent
next week for script development.

Q: I really can’t explain why J.C. Penney decided to go with Ron Johnson
as their CEO, robbing America of the almighty orgasmic pleasures of the Super
Sunday Sales. It’s almost as if he were a plant from Penney’s competitors
designed to bring down the retail giant. Half the fun of shopping there was
rolling out with 22 coupons and mixing and matching them just to “save” $31
dollars. How did he go this long without being on Retail Magazine’s most hated
list? They need to bring back the coupons and the sales. This must be on your
to-do list in your first month as the Ambassador of Sanity for J.C. Penney’s
corporate headquarters.

—Salma Q., Torrance, CA

MG: Although Penney’s hasn’t bothered to pick up the phone yet, I think
you hit on something because Corporate Ambassador of Sanity sounds like a
fantastic consulting road show. I could cruise from city to city, company to
company listening to their brilliant marketing and media ideas for 2013 and
2014. Have you seen some of the bright ideas that flew past us during the last
twelve months? The London Olympic Games logo? Quiznos’ disfigured, singing
rodents campaign? Sony’s synergy campaign? Sprint featuring CEO Dan Hesse in
their TV ads? All of these companies need an Ambassador of Sanity. Yeah, I’m
getting excited already.

Q: I’m wondering how Chris Brown keeps getting chance after chance with
a suddenly forgiving media who is dying to give him a pass for beating on
Rihanna and women in general with his insane actions. Is it because she’s a
party animal that can’t seem to get out of her own way socially or is there
really something redeeming?

—Samantha J., Kansas City, MO

MG: First and foremost, everyone simply loves a train wreck. Chris
Brown certainly qualifies for that. He also certainly meets rule #2 in the
Media Guy Mandates for a Great Story: HARM. Harm includes violence, damage,
dying, scandals and blood/guts. Perhaps the real reason rests in the Fear
Factor rule whereby the media is afraid a Chris-Brown-type will show up at
their front door to pick up one of their daughters for a nice evening on the
town. This is where you already want to know what a maniac-in-sheep’s-clothing
looks like while he’s promising to get her home well before curfew. Experience
means everything!

Q: There’s no more underestimated story line in 2013 than
hypersensitivity. Coca-Cola is racist. Ikea is has (trans)gender issues. Just a
little while back we were patting ourselves on the back about racial and gender
equality and everyone getting along. Everyone thought political incorrectness
was washed up, but all of the sudden it made a comeback and the media has been
all over it. Are we desperate for stories or should we be worried?

—Jordan Smith, Kansas City

MG: Holy mackerel, I didn’t realize how many groups were in an uproar
about the media game already in 2013. The IKEA ad features a Thai man and his
girlfriend shopping. But when she sees pillows sale and get excited, her
decidedly female voice goes soprano on us sending her shocked boyfriend off
running. The ad has riled a Thai transgender group, who calls the ad
“negative and stereotypical” and sprinkled in “a gross violation
of human rights” for good measure. A Thai transgender group seems pretty
niche in the grand scheme of things but then again, I missed sensitivity
training for this particular segment of the population which mosts likely
totals 0.0000001% of the world’s population.

The new Coca-Cola Super Bowl ad has angered Arab-Americans because it
features an Arab leading a camel caravan through the desert.

Warren David, president of the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination
Committee, says “Why is it that Arabs are always shown as either oil-rich
sheiks, terrorists or belly dancers?” Coke says the ad characters are a
“nod to movies of the past.”

My take?

I’ve worked with David in the past and
he is right, because the shepherds leading the caravans look something like this:

True story: I took these pictures in Oman a few years back. The shepherd
in the truck was angrier than those lecturing Coca-Cola about their perceived racism. Why? Because I drove in
between his line of camels and messed up their forward progression. Later, we
burned some Frankincense at the Salalah Hilton and all was better. Perhaps Coke should call me to be the shepherd actor next time.

So what’s the lesson to be learned? Better focus test your commercial
to the groups you are showcasing in your ads because you want their stamp of
approval before the fit hits the shan. Then again, perhaps all of the extra
publicity Coke and IKEA are getting from these spots is worth the hassle to
offend underserved ethnic and gender groups. All I know if that this meets rule
#3 in the Media Guy Mandates for a Great Story: CONTROVERSY. Where there’s
controversy, there’s a reporter looking to file a last minute news story. When
you can dream up a controversy, you can virtually guarantee some juicy buzz in
the media.

Twinkies: Yippie-keye-ay!

Q: Not since Reginald VelJohnson rattled off Twinkies’ to John McClane in
Die Hard [sugar-enriched flour, partially hydrogenated vegetable
oil…polysorbate 60… and yellow dye number five] have I longed for a late
night tastes of the golden crème-filled cakes. Will they ever grace the shelves
at Winn-Dixie again?

—Emily-Mae L., Auburn, AL

Q: Sometimes I wake up in a cold
sweat with Ghostbusters’ Dr. Egon Spengler explaining the enormity of the threat facing
New York: “Let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of
psycho-kinetic energy in the New York area; according to this morning’s sample,
it would be a Twinkie 35 feet long weighing approximately 600 pounds”…
What would this analogy be without the mighty Twinkie? Sign my petition to
bring them back.

—Robert H., Anaheim, CA

How about that 600 pounder?

Q: I feel like Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, searching for the last
Twinkie on Earth. I guess they did have an expiration date. Help!

—Brenda J., Istanbul, Turkey

MG: Never fear, Hostess has let the robber barons into their bakery nest.
Hostess has picked a joint offer from two investment firms — Metropoulos &
Co. and Apollo Global Management LLC — as the lead bid to bring back the
Twinkies and its other snack cakes in a $410 million bid. According to MSN
Money, Twinkies pulled in about $76.2 million, Hostess Donuts brought in $384.6
million and CupCakes brought in $138.1 million during Hostess’s final year.
That’s a lot of calories. Speaking of which…

Q: Nice feature on Ray Lewis right before my Ravens made Tom Brady look
like a deer in the headlights a couple of Sundays ago. Are you taking the Ravens
in the Super Bowl?

—Joe J., Las Vegas

Q: I suppose you’ll be in Florida this Sunday covering the Super Bowl,
right braggard?

—Phillip O., Cleveland, OH

Q: No blogs on the 2013 Oscars, eh? Did they ban you for your
debauchery at the after parties?

—Sandra, K.., Toronto

MG: I am betting on Ray, but not the Ravens on Sunday. There’s a Las
Vegas proposition bet where you pick who has more: Ray Lewis tackles or Kobe
Bryant assists on Super Bowl Sunday. I’m going with Lewis tackles, but the
49ers prevailing 34-19. As far as going to the Super Bowl, I am a no show. I
didn’t even apply for credentials. I’ll be at home analyzing the new ads. I am
unsure whether to tweet about them (Media Guy Twitter handle = @marketingvip)
in real time though. One thing I hope to never miss is the Oscars. I’ll be
there on the red carpet for the second year in a row and blog about it then.
Hopefully, I’ll be stealth enough to bypass security and have a talk with
Angelina Jolie about this screenplay I wrote that is perfect for her (hint,
hint Ms. Jolie).

Q: I read somewhere that sex lasts only about five minutes on average
and burns only 20 calories. Why doesn’t that get more press?

—Dianne R., Toluca Lake, CA

MG: Reminds me of being seventeen all over again. Did your survey
mention the age parameters? The regions of the country or world the data was
pulled from? Male vs. Females? These are important factors in the potential
decline of sexuality in the States. I did find a reference to a 1984 survey with similar stats. I’m hoping things have improved for the women of the world. Which
reminds me that we don’t cover sex enough in The Media Guy Struggles. Why? I’m
not sure since SEX meets rule #6 in the Media Guy Mandates for a Great Story.
Note to self: more sex. (And who can argue with that?)

Q: Did the CEO of Taco Bell call you yet? Is that why their strategy is
giving free churros? Maybe you should call him.

—Nala Z., Ft. Myers, FL

MG: Who can argue with the new spots? The ad made its debut on YouTube a
few days ago and has over 200,000 views with the January 18^th teaser
being watched 500,000 plus times. CEO Greg Creed seemed to be riding high with Cantina
Bell, the new Taco Bell “Live Mas” tagline and the Spanish version of “We Are
Young”. That being said, I still think Mr. Creed should ring my phone.

Q: Beyoncé lip synced? Good or bad for the brand?

—Simon S., Winston-Salem, NC

MG: Nothing can derail the Mrs. Jay-Z train. She’s unstoppable and
there is no reason this should have been a continuing story because besides
having the kind of generational beauty that most of us can only wish for, there
is one thing she can do without question and that’s sing circles around anyone.
Whitney lip synced at the Super Bowl and her rendition hit #1 on the charts
soon thereafter. Beyoncé is much bigger that Whitney ever was.

Q: What are you going to do with “The Voice” now that Christina
Aguilera has been replaced with Shakira?

—Jon M., Oklahoma City, OK

MG: I deleted my Season Pass on The Dish.

Q: Do you think Christina Aguilera caused Hillary Clinton to pass out?

—Josephine P., Kuala Lampur

MG: Very much a possibility.

Q: Any truth that our favorite diva Miss Aguilera stepped aside to
spend time with the Media Guy?

—Stephanie C., Manchester, England

MG: Uh, no comment.

Q: There were two typos when you initially posted your last column. Who’s
proofing your columns.

—Nadia W., Tucson, AZ

MG: Sorry, Monica is on vacation.

Q: You nailed it in your Valentine’s Day column, it’s ruining the
office. Any more tips to help out here?

—Marc W., Wichita, KS

MG: I reached back to Ernest Quansah who told me that the brain’s
feel-good “love” chemical – oxytocine – usually increases when women are
presented with novel activities, beyond those established and preferred
routines. He says to abandon old traditions and do something to sweep her off
her feet with these five steps:

Before the big day, drive her wild with anticipation by telling her
that you have the most amazing surprise for her. This promise will keep her
guessing and make her think about your evening.
Know her favorite flowers. If you don’t, don’t panic. You can find
out by making a comment, like “I’ve noticed plants blooming early this year …”
and steer the conversation from there. In a beautiful vase, arrange an exotic
bouquet and hide it somewhere in your home on the special day. She’ll like that
you created the presentation.
Go to your local chocolate shop and select her favorite kinds of
chocolate. Have it boxed and nicely wrapped to prevent her from knowing what it
is when you present the chocolates to her.
Create a dish and name it after her. For example, if her name is
Anne, you might call the dish “Tournedos Princess Anne.” This step is the most
important. I can assure you that after having spent time in some top-notch
restaurants, food that is named after a person is a special honor. We all know
how women love it when their men do the cooking. What I do is cut and precook
the vegetables, and I even make the sauce beforehand to make sure I get it as
perfect as I can. Leave everything in the fridge. Then, on Valentine’s Day, I
set the table before I start the cooking part. On both plates, place a fresh
RED ROSE. The single rose is just part of making her think that that is all the
flowers she will be getting (but we know differently). When she gets home, make
sure to get her to promise you that she’ll stay out of the kitchen. Tell her
not to spoil the surprise!
When everything is ready, plate the food, cover it and take it to
the dining table, and then ask her to come and sit. Before you uncover the lid,
have her close her eyes. Retrieve the hidden bouquet, place the flowers on the
table, and ask her to open her eyes. Pay attention to how she responds. Tell
her what you’ve named the dish. But that’s not all – after the meal, take her
by the hand, walk her to the living room and sit her down. Bring out the boxed
chocolate, go on one knee and tell her, “This is for you,” or, “You make me
feel whole,” or, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world and I love
you.”

Remember, you don’t have to know why this works…only that it does
work.

Q: The Bachelor – how do you see Sean navigating the insane women he
has on his hands?

—Kimberly G., Dallas

MG: There are some crazies this season. Poor Sean. I promise a separate
column next week with a recap and my vision to how it all plays out.

Q: I think we all know your love of Angelina Jolie – of course in a
non-stalker, yet borderline stalkerish way – but seriously, do you need help
distracting Brad Pitt while you try to talk her up at the Oscars? My bestie is
a dead ringer for Jennifer Aniston and has a similar crush on Mr. Moneyball.
Any affinity to forming a partnership to get what you both want? You can email
me at any time.

—Brooke Y., West Hollywood, CA

MG: Yes Virginia…these are the reader friends of the Media Guy Struggles.

The post The Media Guy Grabs His Sack appeared first on Media Guy Struggles.

MGS Chat: Ray Lewis

The Media Guy — Sat, 19 Jan 2013 02:51:00 +0000

Ray Lewis, the 37-year-old Baltimore Ravens linebacker plans to retire
after the season, but before his own clash of the titans with New England in
the AFC championship game he had a few minutes for the Media Guy…

MEDIA GUY: What do you most remembered for at the end of his career?

RAY LEWIS: I think the greatest thing you can ever be remembered for is
the impact and things that you had on other people. At the end of the day, with
all of the men that I’ve been around, to one day look back here and listen to
men say, ‘He was one of people who helped changed my life,’ is probably one of
the greatest legacies to be remembered for.”

(AP Photo/Patrick Semansky) AP2013

MG: How special has this Ravens team been this year?

RL: With everything that we went through, the up and down roller
coaster all year, the injuries and things we went through … We dealt with so
much the entire year. For us to fight, fight, fight, fight and now be back here
with the same opportunity … We were here last year in the same position. We
were a catch away, a field goal away from going to the Super Bowl. For us to be
back here shows how dedicated we were to get back to this point. I just tip my
hat and give credit to my team. No matter what we went through this year, we
fought to get back here.”

MG: NFL offenses are pushing the
envelope more now, what is the challenge to be a dominating defense in this era
of the NFL:?

RL: We have to be very honest about it. It favors [the offense]. It
favors the offense with the rules and all of the different things that are put
in now. Defensively, you can’t touch them here, you can’t hit them high, you
can’t hit them low. It kind of favors them to pick up the pace and try to … I
call it steal yardage throughout the game. That’s what kind of makes it hard.
Even if you are on defense and make the perfect hit, you get flagged 15 yards
here, because the pace is so fast, we have to kind of slow the pace down and
line up. If you watched the [Houston vs. New England game], [the Patriots] were
able to get people out of alignment, people were standing around on the goal
line, which is supposed to be the hardest place to score. But it was the easiest
place for [the Patriots] because [the Texans] weren’t getting lined up and
things. I think it’s kind of give and take.

MG: What the difference in
defense from the beginning of your career to the end?

RL: Absolutely. Earlier in my career, honestly, you just didn’t have so
many rules. There are so many rules that are put in now, and of course, I’m a
biased [defensive player]. There are so many rules that are put in now for the
offense. So, it helps them. It favors them a lot. Why wouldn’t they do it? You
throw the ball downfield and there is favorable pass interference, you hurry up
and get 12 men on the field. There are so many things that favor [the offense]
and it’s changed so much from earlier in my career to now.”

MG: What’s the differences
between playing Peyton Manning and Tom Brady?

RL: You’re talking about arguably the top two or three greatest
quarterbacks of all time. So when you go from Peyton Manning to Tom Brady,
you’re going from 1A to 1A. It’s not like you get a drop-off. I’d back up to
the same fact we had last week. Is he going to make plays? Absolutely. But you
have to play the whole game. You have to be patient enough to let them make
plays and move on to the next play. You can’t harp on one play good or bad. You
have to keep on moving. These are guys, and I always said, they play chess
matches. That’s the thing that you have to be prepared to play when you get
ready to play these guys, because they understand the game so well. Playing
against Brady and just watching him sometimes, you’re always in awe on watching
on how good he really is.

MG: What will you miss the most
when you end your career?

RL: I think the brotherhood. There is nothing greater than the
brotherhood. It’s what I kind of preach in my locker room. I understand we’re
in an age where social media is kind of taking over, but I kind of try to get
my guys to really understand how close your locker room has to be. And when you
come into the locker room, understand who your brothers are. Understand who the
men are that you are fighting with. Because, that’s the thing you’ll remember
the most. The wars and battles, they are going to always take care of
themselves, and that’s competition and most of us have been in that our entire
lives. But what we will always remember the most are those locker rooms. What
they felt like and the commitment and sacrifices you guys made – that’s the
thing that when you are done with the game, you will definitely miss what those
locker rooms felt like.

MG: What is the most
extraordinary moment of your football career?

RL: You always have to ask yourself, ‘How can you top the moment of
hearing those famous words?’ And that is, ‘Ravens have won the Super Bowl.’
When you play the game, that is what you play the game for. You play and hope
that one day you hear those words. That is what I am trying to get this team to
go back and hear one more time. So they can really feel what it feels like.
Because once you hear it, like I tell all of them, your life will never be the
same again. That is what I am trying to get these young guys to understand –
don’t let the moments go by so fast. Cherish the moment. And that for me, when
you sum up my career, that can never be taken away from you. Once you are a
champion, you are always a champion, and that is probably one of the greatest
things I will remember of all time.

The post MGS Chat: Ray Lewis appeared first on Media Guy Struggles.