You may have heard me rant against fake Christmas trees on CNN last year so I won’t revisit that except to note this…

…you know how you have a friend with somewhat ugly, odd-look baby* and you feel obligated to say how adorable it is? It’s the same with your artificial tree. You post a picture of this obviously fake towering monstrosity on Facebook and you get all these likes. But please be aware that people are just being polite while privately bemoaning your soulless sellout as you insult mother nature and one of her greatest yuletide traditions.

If only fake trees were the only way we put the crass into Christmas…

Random displays are for parades…

Ever notice the trend in outdoor lighting? When I grew up in the seventies, holiday displays used to have Christmassy themes. You know, Santa reindeer, snowmen, maybe a nativity menagerie. Now? Anything goes. My neighbor’s display includes a processional of papier-mâché alligators and Star Wars characters for no apparent reason. Another neighbor has a 50-foot tall inflatable Snoopy balloon bobbing menacing in the breeze. When did Christmas become the Macy’s Day parade?

What are we doing?

Every time I see a balloon set up for Christmas all I wish that I got for Christmas is a Red Ryder BB Gun (and no, I won’t shoot my eye out**)…

Another thing…Christmas Music. Keep it to the traditional carols, please. We don’t really need awful new Christmas songs by Drake and One Direction, or Flo-Rida’s version of The Little Drummer Boy.

The sad trend in gift giving also puts the crass in Christmas. Once upon a time it was important to put some thought into gift giving. Homemade gifts were common…and welcomed. The present you gave said a lot about you. Now it’s a game of poker. We are just dealing gift cards, baby! Can we be any more mercenary or half-assed? I mean how

Crassmas at its finest…

ridiculous is “you give me a $100 gift card; I give you a $100 gift card” scenario? Why not cut out the middle man and just exchange cash?

I remember my favorite gift as a kid: a battery-operated Tonka tank. I would build a small pyramid with encyclopedias and watch as my tank treads pressed into Battle Hill. I wonder whatever happened to the Tonka tank? Yet I digress…

Let’s get back to what’s real and make it Christmas again and not Crassmas. Buy a real tree, don’t give gift cars, sing a tradition carol, and surprise some kid with a Tonka tank.

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