“Dear…whatever on Earth is Izzy wearing?”

In case you didn’t know, the offspring of the world’s original reality show [read England’s Royal Family] is taking their press junket to the colonies in a few weeks. Imagine my horror surprise to discover that their passive aggressive ways are manifesting themselves in the form of a dress code! Yes, indeed, a dress code. Now like any good Media Guy, I have my share of appointment only clothes taking my advise from the great Bijan of Beverly Hills years ago, but a dress code to ask Duchess Kate about Scottish succession and crumpets seem a bit punitive. The office work from the royals is dripping with aristocratic icing and sounds something like this:

Journalists wishing to cover Royal engagements, whether in the United Kingdom or abroad, should comply with the dress code on formal occasions out of respect for the guests of The Queen, or any other member of the Royal Family.

Smart attire for men includes the wearing of a jacket and tie, and for women a trouser or skirt suit. Those wearing jeans or trainers will not be admitted and casually dressed members of the media will be turned away. This also applies to technicians.

Talk about taxation without representation! Didn’t John Hancock, George Washington and Paul Revere break free from British anarchy because they were tired of being bossed around 24/7? Kate and Billy aren’t our respective Duchess and Prince so why do I have to change out of the standard Chic MG look (“smart blazer, Nordstrom black tee, Ferragamos and Armani jeans) just to ask a few fluff questions for the new column. The fearlessness of their requests are matched solely by their boldness!

So be warned: Any American reporter who wishes to be in the presence of their royal highnesses better think twice about showing up all Petite Bourgeoisie and disheveled, because Duchess Kate is anti-denim.

(By the way, I am sure I could Wikipedia this to get a semi-accurate answer, but why is Kate a Duchess and not a Princess? That would be my first and, most likely, last question before getting bounced from the presser…yet I digress…)

AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS (#AMAs)

So where am I? 

I am, of course, at the American Music Awards right in the shadows of the Staples Center in Downtown Los Angeles.

Fresh manicure to go with a freshly-minted press credential.

Now I know what you’re thinking that I should be praising Taylor Swift as accepted the first-ever Dick Clark Award for Excellence as she breathless took the award from the ageless Diana Ross. Swiftie confirmed what many of us already knew: Vinyl is back! She took to the offensive (take note Duchess Kate) with a masterfully crafted anti-streaming-service backhander with this golden nugget:

“What you did by going out and investing in music and albums is you are saying that you believe in the same thing that I believe in: that music is valuable and music should be consumed in albums and albums should be consumed as art and appreciated.”

She can make such speeches as the only artist ever (!) to have three albums sell more than a million copies in a single week,

Bleona, the Madonna of Albania

Yes, yes, I know I should be praising her, but all I could think about was that it’s a good thing that Prince Bill and Duchess Kate weren’t at L.A. Live trying to look cool for their bi-weekly People Magazine cover. They would have thought the dress code at the Nokia Theatre was most definitely Proletariat. Here’s a quick sampling of the violators of the RH Dress Code:

Bleona

At least once an episode, the star of Bravo’s Euros of Hollywood lets us know that she is the Madonna of Albania, sellout out her country’s stadiums faster than they can sell tickets. I mean, according to her almost one in three Albanians have her poster taped to their bedroom walls (or ceilings). Based on that, she is certainly too big for tiny Albania and now she is ready to take over America. One thing is for sure, Kate would have made Bill take off his cashmere cloak and cover her up last night.

Frankie Grande

I mean why wouldn’t Frankie Grande be there with his painted-on, button down t-shirt? At least Kate would

The Flamingo of Candyland Chippendale’s.

have appreciated that he wore a pink bow-tie. I give him credit though because most people would have sweat through the Sherman-Williams mess with the Santa Ana winds blowing hot from the north. Not Frankie. He’s a cool cat. He’s the brother of the most famous Bratz Doll ever. And, he got to stroll down the red carpet in the first wave of D-listers.

Selena Gomez

Nothing breaks my heart more than Selena who just can’t quit Bieber. One thing rings true, however. She knows how to dress. From her stunning black number on the red carpet to her beautiful dress on stage singing “The Heart Wants What it Wants” (an obvious ode to Biebs), Ms. Gomez never fails to look incredible.

JLo and Izzy

Well, that was definitely bum rubbing. The ABC executives won’t be too pleased. The rest of the performance consisted of Jennifer Lopez gyrating, arching her back, getting down on all fours and generally presenting her hindquarters. And that
concludes the American Music awards, perhaps in fitting style. It has, after all, been a very booty-centric year.

HOLLYWOOD FILM AWARDS

About a week before the #AMAs, the Hollywood Film Awards had their grand coming out party at Hollywood’s dilapidated Palladium. The 18th annual (Eighteenth? Who knew?!) gala finally made it to prime time with its first televised performance in the history of the event. Although dismally-rated (0.5 rating / 2 share – which means less that 2% of all televisions is use were watching – FYI, the Oscars pulled in a 12.9 rating), the show does deliver quirky. Evidently they are carving their spot as the star-equivalent of a sloppy holiday office party. This year, Johnny Depp played the role of the creative director with who gets canned for draining a bottle of Grey Goose and copying his bottom before his speech announcing the complexities of the year-end bonus. This is my long-shelved untitled Don Draper Satire I hopped to get produced one day. Alas, a Media Guy can dream…

Professional money maker ($20 annually according to Forbes) and the miserable poster child Kristen Stewart brought home the female Lohan award for sloppy presentation when she flashed America (well at least a million of us) her nipples.

Her  team (aka sources close to Kristen) went into full court press immediately: “She is not worried about it. It’s not a big deal. If people want to see her naked, she’d rather it be from the movies she has done with nudity, but this happened and she has already forgotten about it…it’s certainly not the worst thing cameras have caught from her. Not a big deal at all.”

That quote brought a chuckle because the “worst thing cameras have caught” was getting caught Cheaters letting a married director snack on her in the front seat of his Mini Cooper.

Whatever her official reaction, one thing is for sure: Duchess Kate would not be pleased with her dress code faux pas.