flight attendants Archives - Media Guy Struggles

Nicki Minaj took my seat in business class, plus a visit with Flight Girl Daniela!

The Media Guy — Wed, 02 Sep 2015 22:08:00 +0000

Okay, so where am I?

I’m down on the ground once again. And not a second too soon because flying coach is a special trip to hell. I have to tell you that years of flying business and first class has spoiled me to the point where I need my mimosa before taking off or the whole experience is a bust.

Guess who was the loudest a-hole on my flight?

My flight featured a guy who insisted on being overly loud and half-naked, a twentysomething reading the latest issue of Guns & Ammo (always refreshing in a post-9/11 apocalypse), a psychic in the back of the plane doing some seance with her entourage in the back of the plane, candy bar lunches, and (rumor has it) Nicki Minaj in my business class seat.

Apparently Ms. Minaj took a break from her various Twitter scorned earth campaigns to harass a couple of the first class flight attendants. The stories of her belittling behavior floated back to the cheap seats pretty fast with reports of her ordering vodka cranberries at warp speed and once the flight attendant delivered the drink, she would take a single sip and demand another. She wasn’t alone, as her entire crew did the same thing until all of the mini bottles were gone.

Yeah, uh, you stay classy San Diego!

This story prompted a long overdue visit with one of my best buddies: Flight Girl Daniela. I know what you are thinking, “Flight Girl”?, why in the world would I call her that? You I know she’s a flight attendant. However, sorry folks, Daniela doesn’t take herself that seriously and actually makes passengers call her Flight Girl. For those of you who don’t know, the two columns we teamed on (December 2012’s “Flying the Friendly Skies” and April 2014’s “Daniela::Deux”) are still ranked in the top 10 Media Guy Struggles all-time reads, combining for 200,000+ page views.

We met at a Hollywood deli. She had the matzo ball soup and I had bagel chips with a side of well-done pickles. She arrived in uniform with perfect make-up and a pilot’s hat she lifted from her last flight with the promise to return it at her leisure. I asked her about Nicki’s action in first class and she said that’s normal for a the divas. She reported that even the divas of yesteryear can be a nightmare when the drink orders come in.

“One of the legendary stories they always tell us is about Lucy (Lucille Ball). On flights, no one could not speak to her, even for drink orders — you had to ask her assistant what Lucy wanted to drink. Another time, one of our sisters in flight accidentally dropped a glass of water on her and Lucy insisted it was okay, but when another glass was delivered, Lucy tossed the contents in her face and screeched, ‘How do you like it now?'”.

None of all of this bad behavior bothered the flight attendants (aka stewardesses, aka sexy stews) of the 1950s, 60s and 70s more than the way airlines used women and sex to sell air travel. There was even a secret public relations push to glorify the Mile High Club to make being in the air sexier that being on the ground.

“From objectifying women as maps to the promise of someone getting a wife out of their cross-country flight, airlines have long used women to sell tickets'” says Daniela.

With that, we spent lunch talking about fifteen of the most recognizable Triple S (“Sex Sells Seats”) ads that appeared in the pages of some of the biggest magazines ever in print:

1. Finnair – Summer Routes Ad (1968). No need for a real map. Use the back of a curvy brunette. Once you get to Finland, you can plan your pleasure route.

2. United Airlines – The former Miss Butterfingers Ad (1967): The ad reads “…two months ago, Sheri Woodruff couldn’t even balance a cup of coffee. But she was friendly, intelligent, and attractive…” I am so glad she was at least attractive!

3. United Airlines – Old Maid ad (1967). They called her an old maid because she’s been flying for almost three years! None of that matters because “…everyone gets warmth, friendliness and extra care. And someone may get a wife…” Wow, coffee, tea or a wife! Sheesh!

4. PSA Airlines – Famous Stewardesses Radio ad (1969). Imagine hearing this on the radio today:

“Right now PSA, the airline that is famous for its stewardesses, is looking for girls. Yes..girls to fill a cute orange mini-uniform…girls who smile and mean it…girls who give other people a lift. Now if you’re single, 18 1/2 to 26 years old, 5 foot 1 to 5 foot 9, 105 to 135 pounds, have a high school diploma or better–come in for an interview at the Los Angeles International Airport stewardesses department Tuesday or Thursday. PSA is an Equal Opportunity Employer”

Yeah, uh, equal opportunity except the age, sex, height, weight, and marital status parts!

5. United Airlines – The Glamorous Life ad (1966). How great is it that that evolved from the specs of the original stewardess?: “Registered nurse, not over 25 years of age, weighing 115 lbs. or less, not over five feet four inches tall.” The consolation is at least they edited out “bride ready’ in the final copy.

6. American Airlines – Beautiful Girls (1967). I mean thank the heavens for American Airlines because they couldn’t possibly ‘…afford the sweet young thing who just stands there…’ and we were so much better for it.

7. United Airlines – Come Back Soon ad (1966): Only on United…a special brand of work prostitution: “You went to sleep after dinner. Why not? You work hard. When the flight landed, the stewardess smiled goodbye like she really meant it. She does. She even straightened your boutonniere. You get this kind of ‘extra care’ every time you fly with us.” What else do you get?

8. TWA – It’s A Man’s World ad (1953). The only airline ad we could find that didn’t devalue women and refused to trade on a woman’s body and racial profile as the core checklist in their advertising campaigns.

9. TWA – Foreign Accents ad (1968). It’s a shame the TWA ads of the late 1960s couldn’t mimic their predecessors from the 1950s. Really, how great would it be to select one of your four hostesses on TWA?: “…they come in four styles with hostesses to match: Italian (see toga), French (see gold mini), Olde English (see wench). And Manhattan penthouse (see hostess pajamas—after all all hostesses should look like this, right?)” Toga? Wench? This is about as low as it gets.”

10. British Overseas Airways Corporation – She’s an Art in Herself ad (1965). She’s a renaissance woman. She can do it all, just take their word for it: “Whether she’s decorating a house, or cooking Moo Goo Gai Pen, the result is always beautiful. If Lancy’s aboard your next BOAC flight to the Orient, watch every move closely. She’s an art in herself.”

11. Japan Airlines – How to Train and Airline Hostess (1959). This ad could also be called How to Train Your Future Foreign Wife…take a read: “A Japanese girl is taught from childhood the satisfaction of doing something for its own sake….You feel her real desire to please you, and only you. For she satisfies herself only as she succeeds in making you happy.”

12. American Airlines – Conrad Hilton ad (1966). American somehow tried to justify that women are just products with this stellar copy: “Flying just isn’t much of a thrill for Mr. Hilton anymore. He expects attention for his money.”

13. Delta – One Girl ad (1967). The Me Decade was thirteen years ahead of us, but Delta still found a way to make it all about you: “Only one girl is important. The one on your flight. The one who serves you.”

14. British Overseas Airways Corporation – all her Suki ad (1964). Isn’t it great she is more thank just beautiful? After all, she “can serve you sake, sushi, and teriyaki steak with ancestral grace.”

15. Air France – Beautiful French Hostess (1967). Hook ’em with the beautiful French hostess, devalue them in very next sentence of copy and then on with the sales pitch…”Beautiful French girls alone do not make Air France, Air France.”

—
EDITOR’S NOTE:
Part 2:
Read part one of Daniela and Michael here.

Part 3:
Read part three of Daniela and Michael here.

The post Nicki Minaj took my seat in business class, plus a visit with Flight Girl Daniela! appeared first on Media Guy Struggles.

Daniela:::Deux

The Media Guy — Fri, 25 Apr 2014 00:49:00 +0000

Two weeks ago I posted a few of the letters from my readers in my annual mail sack column and while I didn’t post any of the correspondence about Flight Girl Daniela, I did feel guilty looking back. After all, my interview with the flight attendant with a world of sass is by far the most widely read column in the nearly seven year run of The Media Guy Struggles.

There’s nothing like #TBT with Daniela.

I posted Part One as kind of a tongue-in-cheek throwaway column to sum up the Mayan Calendar freak out we all suffered through in December 2012. Then it took off, just like one of those giant Airbuses might, to the tune of 113,000 plus page views. Think about that – 113,000 hits for two people who met up in business class on an empty plane from New York to Los Angeles and ranted on about the behavior of passengers.

Now, eighteen months later we still keep in touch and even caught a modeling class together and I thought it was time to update the sorry state of of how people act on planes.

MEDIA GUY: What’s the new trend in asinine behavior on board your flights?

FLIGHT GIRL DANIELA: Bare feet on planes! Honestly people, STOP THE MADNESS. To the footwear challenged, I say to you: Don’t f*****g do this! My airplane is not your oddly-shaped bedroom. It’s a hermetically-sealed tube doubling as public transportation. “Public” meaning that you didn’t charter it! You’re not the
only person on this sucker. Who wants to be near your toe-jam and athlete’s foot and irritated corns. Hey, girls — that applies to you too.

“Honestly people: STOP THE MADNESS!”

MG: At least they don’t ask you to do pedicures (laughs).

FGD: Don’t laugh. You’d be really surprised by the idiots
that fly. They think it’s still the seventies where all of those sexists
stewardess advertisements ruled the landscape. Remember, in the 1970s when
National Airlines (*) launched their “Fly Me”
campaign?

(*) – National Airlines later merged into
Pan Am.

You know the one where their aircraft were given female
names and the flight attendants starred in the advertising? Thank goodness I
wasn’t alive, be it seems that you didn’t just ride on the airplane…you got
to ride the stewardess as well. Michael, honestly, find the add and post it
with your column! But it doesn’t stop there. How about the new “Got
milk?” ads that claim that milk eases PMS symptoms—thus making your wife
or girlfriend slightly less of a crazy, irrational bitch every month? Who makes
these ads? Promise me me YOU don’t do stuff like that…. The anti-woman /
anti-girl has to stop some decade.

National Airlines, an, uh, class act. (More ads at the end of the column.)

MG: Why can’t they just recline their seat and keep their shoes on?

FGD: Ah, that guy! The Passenger Who Reclines Their Plane Seat. There are few mile-high issues as divisive as the battle over the reclining seat. Some feel it’s their right to sit back and relax on a long flight. After all, they’ve paid good money for the trip and let’s just admit it, most seats are lumpy and just plain wrong. Others find this act ‘plane’ inconsiderate saying the reclining seat should be eliminated. There are fist fights, crushed knees, broken laptops, spills and untold animosity. People are prisoners in their 17-inch across seat who passengers recline, the scent of Head and Shoulders wafting towards my nostrils that are mere inches from your head. My airline is really, really good at taking things away, so how about taking away with quasi Barcalounger?

MG: While we were being horrified by the anaconda, you mentioned something about fakers, but didn’t finish…

FGD: …Fakers are THE worst. Hey fakers! Don’t ask for a wheelchair when you’re perfectly ambulatory just so your lazy ass can board the plane first without walking those exhausting thirty feet. Here’s the thing, first on = last off. So when we land, you will need to wait until every f******g passenger has deplaned before you are able to do the same. And to the majority of you that are somehow healed (CAN I GET AN AMEN?! or a WooWoo) mid-flight? From now on I vow to come find you in the terminal and out you in front of your family as a “faker faker belly acher.”

MG: But what’s worst? The faker or the the insufferable rude foreign traveler?

FGD: How do you say “go f**k yourself” in French?

I hope the raging B that spoke at me on my last trip to a French-speaking country reads. It may not sound like much, but for me it was enough to make me want to pull her hair out by her horrific ombre roots. I was performing my final compliance when I come across this full-fledged smellbag with her tray table down, still using her laptop. I politely ask her to power it down and stow it.

Her response?: Nothing. Zip.

So, I ask her again. Her response?: Still typing.

I ask a third time while gently waving my hand in her path of vision so she can see me, again nothing.

On my fourth attempt, I slightly raised my voice and asked again. She doesn’t bother to stop typing or look up from the screen and says “I KNOW!!” (like I am inconveniencing her). Of course someone being an smellbag before takeoff is never a good sign.

Cut to the beverage service and when I ask her if they would like a beverage, I get the zero response treatment. After I finish my service, I move down the aisle so I can collect the trash and that’s where she sticks her arm into the aisle stopping me mid stride: “Ummmm, is there a reason you skipped us?” Really? First off, if you need to get my attention, kindly ask for it like a normal human being. Maybe an old fashioned “excuse me”. I do not take well to someone pulling at my blouse, trousers, apron, tapping my shoulder, flailing their arms in front of me, snapping their fingers, shaking their cup, etc. NOT. COOL. Keep your hands to yourself and be polite. I mean seriously, who raised you? Uhm, yeah, that’s why I skipped you.

I get one of these ladies on every flight…

MG: Surely, it’s not all that bad?

FGD: No, not at all. I just find it funny that people want to take it out on us for the baggage fees and delays and TSA pat-down incidents. Trust me, we are getting paid less than you are! I mean, if you where at McDonald’s would you go behind the counter and serve yourself? We get people who do that all of the time. Don’t touch the cart for goodness sakes! And, do not even think about helping yourself to whatever you want off of it. Just ask.

Oh, maybe I need a vacation from traveling. Let’s go find some more anacondas to draw!

American Airlines…

…and Continental were also sexist ads culprits.

—
EDITOR’S NOTE:
Part 3:
Read part three of Daniela and Michael here.

The post Daniela:::Deux appeared first on Media Guy Struggles.

The Media Guy Grabs His Sack

The Media Guy — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 04:02:00 +0000

The Media Guy grabs his sack of mail…Well, I resisted and resisted; but no longer. The mailbox is full and
alas, people need answers. So, without fanfare, here are genuine emails from my
irreverent readers.

Q: My wife and I spent the last three weeks trying to figure out which
airline you flew that would only have one passenger in business class and not
upgrade the rest of economy so the meals wouldn’t go to waste. I observed that Daniella,
dressed in that green scarf, looked like a career runway model that could still
bring the heat. After much discussion, we created a game: Most Probable
Professions for Flight Girl Daniella if She Hadn’t Become a Flight Attendant.
After discussing some possibilities (most likely: Heather Locklear’s
advertising executive nemesis in the third reboot of Melrose Place), we decided
on “First Grade Teacher.” Our minds went wild at the thought of FG
Daniella bitching and moaning about not getting paid for parent conferences
before 8:00 A.M. because she doesn’t get paid before the first bell and her
classroom doors are still open, then berating the class about the time it takes
her to pour milk at snack time. But dear God, FG Daniella gets the ultimate
pass because as my wife, the librarian, said “I bet she’s up for kissing me.”

—Jay M., Las Vegas, NV

Adam Ant’s Librarian

MG: Do you have any idea how many sleepless nights that Jay M. from Sin
City caused me? Too many, that’s how many. Why? Because I just spent the last three
days imagining the Adam Ant librarian aka Jay’s wife and Daniella locking lips
in business class. Then, I imagined her and Heather Locklear in a
typical Melrose catfight. However you slice it, I’m bringing this to my agent
next week for script development.

Q: I really can’t explain why J.C. Penney decided to go with Ron Johnson
as their CEO, robbing America of the almighty orgasmic pleasures of the Super
Sunday Sales. It’s almost as if he were a plant from Penney’s competitors
designed to bring down the retail giant. Half the fun of shopping there was
rolling out with 22 coupons and mixing and matching them just to “save” $31
dollars. How did he go this long without being on Retail Magazine’s most hated
list? They need to bring back the coupons and the sales. This must be on your
to-do list in your first month as the Ambassador of Sanity for J.C. Penney’s
corporate headquarters.

—Salma Q., Torrance, CA

MG: Although Penney’s hasn’t bothered to pick up the phone yet, I think
you hit on something because Corporate Ambassador of Sanity sounds like a
fantastic consulting road show. I could cruise from city to city, company to
company listening to their brilliant marketing and media ideas for 2013 and
2014. Have you seen some of the bright ideas that flew past us during the last
twelve months? The London Olympic Games logo? Quiznos’ disfigured, singing
rodents campaign? Sony’s synergy campaign? Sprint featuring CEO Dan Hesse in
their TV ads? All of these companies need an Ambassador of Sanity. Yeah, I’m
getting excited already.

Q: I’m wondering how Chris Brown keeps getting chance after chance with
a suddenly forgiving media who is dying to give him a pass for beating on
Rihanna and women in general with his insane actions. Is it because she’s a
party animal that can’t seem to get out of her own way socially or is there
really something redeeming?

—Samantha J., Kansas City, MO

MG: First and foremost, everyone simply loves a train wreck. Chris
Brown certainly qualifies for that. He also certainly meets rule #2 in the
Media Guy Mandates for a Great Story: HARM. Harm includes violence, damage,
dying, scandals and blood/guts. Perhaps the real reason rests in the Fear
Factor rule whereby the media is afraid a Chris-Brown-type will show up at
their front door to pick up one of their daughters for a nice evening on the
town. This is where you already want to know what a maniac-in-sheep’s-clothing
looks like while he’s promising to get her home well before curfew. Experience
means everything!

Q: There’s no more underestimated story line in 2013 than
hypersensitivity. Coca-Cola is racist. Ikea is has (trans)gender issues. Just a
little while back we were patting ourselves on the back about racial and gender
equality and everyone getting along. Everyone thought political incorrectness
was washed up, but all of the sudden it made a comeback and the media has been
all over it. Are we desperate for stories or should we be worried?

—Jordan Smith, Kansas City

MG: Holy mackerel, I didn’t realize how many groups were in an uproar
about the media game already in 2013. The IKEA ad features a Thai man and his
girlfriend shopping. But when she sees pillows sale and get excited, her
decidedly female voice goes soprano on us sending her shocked boyfriend off
running. The ad has riled a Thai transgender group, who calls the ad
“negative and stereotypical” and sprinkled in “a gross violation
of human rights” for good measure. A Thai transgender group seems pretty
niche in the grand scheme of things but then again, I missed sensitivity
training for this particular segment of the population which mosts likely
totals 0.0000001% of the world’s population.

The new Coca-Cola Super Bowl ad has angered Arab-Americans because it
features an Arab leading a camel caravan through the desert.

Warren David, president of the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination
Committee, says “Why is it that Arabs are always shown as either oil-rich
sheiks, terrorists or belly dancers?” Coke says the ad characters are a
“nod to movies of the past.”

My take?

I’ve worked with David in the past and
he is right, because the shepherds leading the caravans look something like this:

True story: I took these pictures in Oman a few years back. The shepherd
in the truck was angrier than those lecturing Coca-Cola about their perceived racism. Why? Because I drove in
between his line of camels and messed up their forward progression. Later, we
burned some Frankincense at the Salalah Hilton and all was better. Perhaps Coke should call me to be the shepherd actor next time.

So what’s the lesson to be learned? Better focus test your commercial
to the groups you are showcasing in your ads because you want their stamp of
approval before the fit hits the shan. Then again, perhaps all of the extra
publicity Coke and IKEA are getting from these spots is worth the hassle to
offend underserved ethnic and gender groups. All I know if that this meets rule
#3 in the Media Guy Mandates for a Great Story: CONTROVERSY. Where there’s
controversy, there’s a reporter looking to file a last minute news story. When
you can dream up a controversy, you can virtually guarantee some juicy buzz in
the media.

Twinkies: Yippie-keye-ay!

Q: Not since Reginald VelJohnson rattled off Twinkies’ to John McClane in
Die Hard [sugar-enriched flour, partially hydrogenated vegetable
oil…polysorbate 60… and yellow dye number five] have I longed for a late
night tastes of the golden crème-filled cakes. Will they ever grace the shelves
at Winn-Dixie again?

—Emily-Mae L., Auburn, AL

Q: Sometimes I wake up in a cold
sweat with Ghostbusters’ Dr. Egon Spengler explaining the enormity of the threat facing
New York: “Let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of
psycho-kinetic energy in the New York area; according to this morning’s sample,
it would be a Twinkie 35 feet long weighing approximately 600 pounds”…
What would this analogy be without the mighty Twinkie? Sign my petition to
bring them back.

—Robert H., Anaheim, CA

How about that 600 pounder?

Q: I feel like Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, searching for the last
Twinkie on Earth. I guess they did have an expiration date. Help!

—Brenda J., Istanbul, Turkey

MG: Never fear, Hostess has let the robber barons into their bakery nest.
Hostess has picked a joint offer from two investment firms — Metropoulos &
Co. and Apollo Global Management LLC — as the lead bid to bring back the
Twinkies and its other snack cakes in a $410 million bid. According to MSN
Money, Twinkies pulled in about $76.2 million, Hostess Donuts brought in $384.6
million and CupCakes brought in $138.1 million during Hostess’s final year.
That’s a lot of calories. Speaking of which…

Q: Nice feature on Ray Lewis right before my Ravens made Tom Brady look
like a deer in the headlights a couple of Sundays ago. Are you taking the Ravens
in the Super Bowl?

—Joe J., Las Vegas

Q: I suppose you’ll be in Florida this Sunday covering the Super Bowl,
right braggard?

—Phillip O., Cleveland, OH

Q: No blogs on the 2013 Oscars, eh? Did they ban you for your
debauchery at the after parties?

—Sandra, K.., Toronto

MG: I am betting on Ray, but not the Ravens on Sunday. There’s a Las
Vegas proposition bet where you pick who has more: Ray Lewis tackles or Kobe
Bryant assists on Super Bowl Sunday. I’m going with Lewis tackles, but the
49ers prevailing 34-19. As far as going to the Super Bowl, I am a no show. I
didn’t even apply for credentials. I’ll be at home analyzing the new ads. I am
unsure whether to tweet about them (Media Guy Twitter handle = @marketingvip)
in real time though. One thing I hope to never miss is the Oscars. I’ll be
there on the red carpet for the second year in a row and blog about it then.
Hopefully, I’ll be stealth enough to bypass security and have a talk with
Angelina Jolie about this screenplay I wrote that is perfect for her (hint,
hint Ms. Jolie).

Q: I read somewhere that sex lasts only about five minutes on average
and burns only 20 calories. Why doesn’t that get more press?

—Dianne R., Toluca Lake, CA

MG: Reminds me of being seventeen all over again. Did your survey
mention the age parameters? The regions of the country or world the data was
pulled from? Male vs. Females? These are important factors in the potential
decline of sexuality in the States. I did find a reference to a 1984 survey with similar stats. I’m hoping things have improved for the women of the world. Which
reminds me that we don’t cover sex enough in The Media Guy Struggles. Why? I’m
not sure since SEX meets rule #6 in the Media Guy Mandates for a Great Story.
Note to self: more sex. (And who can argue with that?)

Q: Did the CEO of Taco Bell call you yet? Is that why their strategy is
giving free churros? Maybe you should call him.

—Nala Z., Ft. Myers, FL

MG: Who can argue with the new spots? The ad made its debut on YouTube a
few days ago and has over 200,000 views with the January 18^th teaser
being watched 500,000 plus times. CEO Greg Creed seemed to be riding high with Cantina
Bell, the new Taco Bell “Live Mas” tagline and the Spanish version of “We Are
Young”. That being said, I still think Mr. Creed should ring my phone.

Q: Beyoncé lip synced? Good or bad for the brand?

—Simon S., Winston-Salem, NC

MG: Nothing can derail the Mrs. Jay-Z train. She’s unstoppable and
there is no reason this should have been a continuing story because besides
having the kind of generational beauty that most of us can only wish for, there
is one thing she can do without question and that’s sing circles around anyone.
Whitney lip synced at the Super Bowl and her rendition hit #1 on the charts
soon thereafter. Beyoncé is much bigger that Whitney ever was.

Q: What are you going to do with “The Voice” now that Christina
Aguilera has been replaced with Shakira?

—Jon M., Oklahoma City, OK

MG: I deleted my Season Pass on The Dish.

Q: Do you think Christina Aguilera caused Hillary Clinton to pass out?

—Josephine P., Kuala Lampur

MG: Very much a possibility.

Q: Any truth that our favorite diva Miss Aguilera stepped aside to
spend time with the Media Guy?

—Stephanie C., Manchester, England

MG: Uh, no comment.

Q: There were two typos when you initially posted your last column. Who’s
proofing your columns.

—Nadia W., Tucson, AZ

MG: Sorry, Monica is on vacation.

Q: You nailed it in your Valentine’s Day column, it’s ruining the
office. Any more tips to help out here?

—Marc W., Wichita, KS

MG: I reached back to Ernest Quansah who told me that the brain’s
feel-good “love” chemical – oxytocine – usually increases when women are
presented with novel activities, beyond those established and preferred
routines. He says to abandon old traditions and do something to sweep her off
her feet with these five steps:

Before the big day, drive her wild with anticipation by telling her
that you have the most amazing surprise for her. This promise will keep her
guessing and make her think about your evening.
Know her favorite flowers. If you don’t, don’t panic. You can find
out by making a comment, like “I’ve noticed plants blooming early this year …”
and steer the conversation from there. In a beautiful vase, arrange an exotic
bouquet and hide it somewhere in your home on the special day. She’ll like that
you created the presentation.
Go to your local chocolate shop and select her favorite kinds of
chocolate. Have it boxed and nicely wrapped to prevent her from knowing what it
is when you present the chocolates to her.
Create a dish and name it after her. For example, if her name is
Anne, you might call the dish “Tournedos Princess Anne.” This step is the most
important. I can assure you that after having spent time in some top-notch
restaurants, food that is named after a person is a special honor. We all know
how women love it when their men do the cooking. What I do is cut and precook
the vegetables, and I even make the sauce beforehand to make sure I get it as
perfect as I can. Leave everything in the fridge. Then, on Valentine’s Day, I
set the table before I start the cooking part. On both plates, place a fresh
RED ROSE. The single rose is just part of making her think that that is all the
flowers she will be getting (but we know differently). When she gets home, make
sure to get her to promise you that she’ll stay out of the kitchen. Tell her
not to spoil the surprise!
When everything is ready, plate the food, cover it and take it to
the dining table, and then ask her to come and sit. Before you uncover the lid,
have her close her eyes. Retrieve the hidden bouquet, place the flowers on the
table, and ask her to open her eyes. Pay attention to how she responds. Tell
her what you’ve named the dish. But that’s not all – after the meal, take her
by the hand, walk her to the living room and sit her down. Bring out the boxed
chocolate, go on one knee and tell her, “This is for you,” or, “You make me
feel whole,” or, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world and I love
you.”

Remember, you don’t have to know why this works…only that it does
work.

Q: The Bachelor – how do you see Sean navigating the insane women he
has on his hands?

—Kimberly G., Dallas

MG: There are some crazies this season. Poor Sean. I promise a separate
column next week with a recap and my vision to how it all plays out.

Q: I think we all know your love of Angelina Jolie – of course in a
non-stalker, yet borderline stalkerish way – but seriously, do you need help
distracting Brad Pitt while you try to talk her up at the Oscars? My bestie is
a dead ringer for Jennifer Aniston and has a similar crush on Mr. Moneyball.
Any affinity to forming a partnership to get what you both want? You can email
me at any time.

—Brooke Y., West Hollywood, CA

MG: Yes Virginia…these are the reader friends of the Media Guy Struggles.

The post The Media Guy Grabs His Sack appeared first on Media Guy Struggles.

Flying the Friendly Skies

The Media Guy — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 06:42:00 +0000

Ok. I can admit it. The end of the world freaked me out.

That outdated Mayan calendar threw everything out of whack for the Media Guy.

I mean who didn’t have December 21st circled on their
calendar?

Yes, I was afraid. Words no longer flowed freely from my
fingertips. Writing was at a standstill. The words simply dried up. I was so
afraid that I lost days. I lost the ability to tell the difference between day
and night, breakfast and dinner, my head and my arse. I was afraid that I was
too old and slow now to outrun the flawed Mayan calendar. But most of all, I
was afraid because I already survived one end of the world scared earlier in
2012. I shouldn’t have to deal with this twice in one year. Alas, when the
media gets a hold of a story and it moves the needle, they simple choke it to
death.

So imagine being on a plane in the twenty-first on a mostly
empty transcontinental flight staring deeply into an iPad with virtually no
words hashed out. No notes. No thoughts. Just a vacuous space where brilliance
is supposed to reside. My publisher awaited chapters and there was nothing in
the tank. I t should have been easy to pump out some freshly minted words. I
was the only passenger in business class. No distractions. Yet, no brain power
either. Then I met Daniela Lewis.

All you need is a good mus to end your writer’s block.

Who’s Daniela Lewis you ask? She’s the muse I met on my
flight, relieved to be headed home after days and days in the air. She was my flight
attendant; easy on the eyes and easier on the mind. She was a warm cup of
chicken soup for the soul who inspired me by her dedication to a career that
didn’t seem so easy after long conversation. She will forever be my Flight Girl
Daniela.

MEDIA GUY: After 16 years flying the friendly skies, you
must have seen some crazy things right?

FLIGHT GIRL DANIELA: The craziest thing about the airlines
is the competition for these jobs. We have something like a thousand openings a
couple of years back and I think 100,000 people applied. Some of the people
interviewed were engineers, lawyers and doctors. We only get paid $19,000 to
start, Crazy, but true.

MG: But once you’re in, you stay in, right?

FGD: You would think,
but that’s not the case. Newbies are on a strict six-month probation period.
Some girls have gotten fired for not zipping their uniform all the way up and
another got the boot for texting while doors are still open.

MG: I know I’m probably being naïve, but if you’re on the
plane, shouldn’t you be in “customer service mode.” [Note: I know you can’t see
it, but the quotation marks around customer service mode were sarcastic air
quote marks.]

FGD: I want everyone that you can possibly reach to know
that: If the doors of the plane are still open, we aren’t getting paid. You
know all that time at the gate when we are pouring drinks for business and
first class and squeezing your overweight carry-ons in the overhead bins? Well,
none of that time magically appears in our paychecks. We might as well be
passengers like you, because we are making less than you probably are at that
very moment. “Flight hours only is the motto at my airline.” So trust me when I
tell you that when you are giving us crap about delays and push back times, we
just as upset as you.

MG: So….the Mile High
Club. For it or against it?

FGD: You know, it’s not against the law to join the Mile
High Club. It is, however, against the law to disobey our in-flight orders. So
by all means, if you want some dirty sex in a crammed environment, by all means
get your jiggy on. That is, unless we ask you to stop and get back to your
seats, because you should get moving if you do. As far as adding members to the
club, I don’t care and even the dinosaurs [the old, prude flight attendants
from the “stewardess” days] don’t care if you can’t wait to get back to the
Airport Holiday Day Inn for a quickie. Who does care is the passenger who just
downed a whole can of Diet Coke and is dying to use the restroom. When they
complain, we have to be their voice.

MG: Speaking of Diet Coke, I hear that most flight attendants
hate serving the stuff. Is that just urban myth?

FGD: Ugh! We do hate it. I can serve up to twenty-five
different drinks and D.C. takes forever to pour. At 30,000 feet, the fizz
doesn’t settle down. I feel like I have to beg it to go away. Sometimes I just
give the can and a cup with ice and let the passenger feel special for getting
an entire can. Most times I can pour four drinks of something else before a
single pour of D.C. Plus, you shouldn’t drink that stuff any way; I hear it causes cancer.

Are shorter skirts back?

MGD: Why do some flight attendant’s skirts a lot shorter
than others?

FGD: Very perceptive Mr. Media Guy! Seniority automatically
means a shorter shirt. Why? Because we alter the length of them until our
probation is lifts. Most of the younger, athletic model-type flight attendants
want to wear as little polyester as possible to as soon as we pass six months,
we hit up the dry cleaners to shorten the, and show off our legs.

MGD: I bet it gets frustrating to get hit on after you hem
your skirts.

FGD: It is a little bit, but it’s part of the job for
waitresses and flight attendants. Remember guys, no means no and you don’t need
to make us turn you down more than once. Keep this in mind though: many of the
senior flight attendants are cougars in sheep’s clothing. They don’t get hit on
as much and are very flattered by flirty advances. than senior flight
attendants. That’s the rule and not the exception. This is where the hookups
happen.

MGD: Anyone ever die on board a flight?

FGD: No. We’ve had several high maintenance passengers who
must have crystal balls because they keep saying they are going to have a
stroke or a heart attack if we don’t land soon. But they are fine once we touch
down. I was one a flight once before 9/11 where a guy tried to board a flight
with a dead relative in a wheelchair.. I’m not kidding here. In full Arnold
Schwarzenegger mode, he said she was dead tired. Halfway to Los Angeles, we had
to mke an unscheduled stop and get him her off the plane. Later I heard he
wanted to save the four grand it costs to transport the body. We do have a
corpse cupboard / compartment in the cabin, just in case we need to store an
“incapacitated” body.

—

So as Daniela rushed back to handle and air bag incident in
economy, I soaked in her delicious sarcasm, sipped on my Diet Coke and the
words flowed never before. I was cured from the Mayan-Calendar-End-of-the-Earth
Jinx.

—

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Part 2:
Read part two of Daniela and Michael here.

Part 3:
Read part three of Daniela and Michael here.

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